What you didn't like as a child. What exactly should adults do on their own if they were “unloved in childhood”? How to show unconditional parental love

Almost all psychological problems originate from childhood. The unloved child syndrome provokes problems in communication, self-doubt, the development of an inferiority complex and many other problems. Coldness on the part of parents is the main reason that makes a person unhappy.

Lack of parental love in childhood leads to complications in adulthood

Definition of the concept

In adult life unloved children themselves become parents who also do not know how to provide their children with the necessary level of support. It turns out to be a vicious circle. The baby begins to feel whether he is loved or not while still in the womb. After birth, the baby becomes stressed by losing physical contact with the mother. This loss can be compensated by tactile contact and attachment to the chest.

The position of an adult in society depends entirely on how confident the child is in the love of his parents. This statement can be explained very simply. At the age of 5 years, parents are the authority and support. The kid believes everything they tell him. The baby associates mom and dad with the whole world; he sees the world through their eyes. Their attitude towards the child gives or takes away mechanisms of self-preservation. If the mechanism is disrupted, in adulthood the person will be forced to look for a partner similar to one of the parents in order to fill the missing gap.

What does it lead to?

Lack of love affects self-esteem. The child perceives himself only through the prism of his parents’ vision. As children grow older, when children already have the ability to think logically, the behavior of parents contributes to the appearance in the brain of statements that sound like this: “if my own parents don’t love me, no one else will ever love me.” Over time, this stereotype becomes stronger in the subconscious and makes you feel inferior and avoid communicating with children. Not receiving signals from the world that someone needs him, the individual begins to subconsciously strive for death.

An individual, instead of concentrating on the colors of life, tries with all his might to overcome the fears, worries and complexes that have settled in his soul. Such a person spends his whole life trying to prove to the world, including himself, his importance, without believing in it one bit.

Often, having received less affection, children try to attract the attention of adults with unfavorable actions. Naturally, such actions come with punishment, and then regret from the parents, the manifestation of which the child observes in affection. Punishment after affection provokes a feeling of pleasure from negativity in the child’s brain centers, so he develops a certain line of behavior. Sometimes this behavior leads to drug or alcohol addiction; the child is accustomed to being shamed for an unseemly act, and then they will regret and take care of him, making sure that he does not do it again. In addition to psychological conflicts, physical ones also arise.

With a lack of tactile touch, the child begins to perceive his body negatively. IN adolescence this begins to manifest itself through phobias such as the fear of mirrors and cameras.

Sometimes a child stops completely caring about the state of his body, thinking that everyone is disgusted by it anyway. Disliked teenagers who place high demands on themselves believe that their body is a complete accumulation of flaws, so they urgently need to correct the shape of their nose, eyebrows, and change the color and length of their hair. We can see many such examples among the stars of world show business. Self-doubt and the pursuit of the standard of beauty contribute to the appearance on the stage of more and more stars who look like Barbie and Ken dolls.

How it manifests itself

A disliked child, having matured, will see himself as an inferior person, so the behavior of notorious people is immediately noticeable. Below we will look at 7 signs that indicate in adults children who were disliked in childhood.

Lack of trust. Dislike leaves a heavy aftertaste, therefore, becoming an adult, such a person will never trust the people around him, even his other half and children. From childhood, an individual was instilled with the understanding that one can only count on oneself.
Moral poverty. The consequences of dislike in an adult manifest themselves in the form of moral poverty. Everything a person is interested in is material values and benefits. It's hard to find people like this mutual language with other people, especially if the topic is not related to work or money transactions.
Diffidence. One of the signs of unloved children is low self-esteem. This is a complex of a man or a woman, which can lead to a whole series of nervous disorders. This is an inability to communicate, an incorrect perception of oneself as a full-fledged person. Trying to earn love and attention, as in childhood, and suffering failures, a person withdraws into himself. He develops a fear of not meeting the expectations of others, a syndrome of overprotection. The manifestation may not be demonstrated in any way, but internal torment will always be with the individual, keeping his nerves in constant tension.
Relationships with others like you. It is characteristic of the human essence to be drawn to those who are close to it in spirit. A man who was disliked in childhood, just like a woman, will look for a soul mate similar in character to him. Relationships between people are based on partial mutual understanding, but we are not talking about the feeling of love that brings euphoria from a relationship. In such couples, the same unloved children are born, because the parents have no idea about another line of behavior that was not imposed on them from childhood.
Unreliability. Such a complex in a man very often characterizes his personality not in the most the best side. He is unreliable, which does not make him an ideal match for a woman and alienates him from people. Such men rarely pay attention to the needs of those around them, do not fulfill their promises and can leave their other half pregnant, which can also lead to the birth of another unloved child if the mother fails to give the baby the necessary amount of care in time.
Depression. Women who were unloved in childhood often suffer from serious depressive disorders. Chronic lack of serotonin and dopamine provokes the appearance of this condition. Psychologists will not help correct the situation until a course of replacement therapy is carried out. This manifestation can also occur in men, but much less frequently.
Hypersensitivity. Increased sensitivity is a characteristic feature of many people with nervous disorders. With age, unloved children begin to position their inner experiences in complete absolute terms. Everything that happens is a nervous shock for them. Living in constant stress leads to the emergence of new mental and somatic disorders.

A disliked person shows distrust of everyone around him

Impact on the situation

In a woman or man, the syndrome of the unloved is not an incurable disease, although it requires psychocorrection. Unloved children of a conscious age must realize the depth of mental trauma and take reality for granted. Your happiness is in your hands, try to remember at least one happy moment from life, your feelings and transfer it to your family.

One of the problems is the influence of upbringing and environment. In many religious and social movements, people are blackmailed through family, hinting to a person that he is inferior if he does not have a soul mate and children at a certain age. You should decide in private the purpose of having a child:

unplanned pregnancy, but it was a pity to have an abortion;
to continue the family line;
so that the family is complete;
because they wanted something more from the relationship;
to keep your soulmate;
to recover from an illness (for women);
realized that they were ready to raise children.

Think about what you want for your child and from him. Try to understand your requirements, what you and he need. Listen to your child. Children's whims, disobedience, aggression - all these may be the first symptoms of lack of attention on your part.

On the other hand, any syndrome and complex are the result of an incorrect perception of oneself and the behavior of others. If all the media now start broadcasting: “Our children are unloved!”, then all the children will fall into a wild panic that no one needs them.

It is important to understand how to explain to a child: what you give to him is your care, guardianship and greatest love. Not a single psychologist can tell you how to behave correctly with your child. To express feelings, you cannot create a specific algorithm, a schedule for “hugs,” kisses, or heart-to-heart conversations.

Do not forget that overprotection will also not become a plus in the child’s future life, so you should know when to stop everything. Harmony in relationships and mutual understanding are the key to well-being for your child. You should treat him as an equal, and not constantly think that he will not be able to comprehend the information that you are going to convey to him.

Conclusion

Today, the problem of the development of an increasing number of mental disorders among young people is acute. The syndrome of not being loved is considered the cause of most phobic disorders. You need to understand that this syndrome can be quickly corrected. If signs of the disease appear, you should seek help from a specialist.

Hello, I will try to briefly describe my fate. Mom and dad lived for 4 years, at the age of 30 I was born, after 4 years my father left for my mother’s friend, my mother started drinking out of grief, they deprived me of parental rights and I was given to my grandmother. A wonderful woman raised me until I was 16 and died. My father took little interest in my life and helped me financially. My mother completely forgot about me. From the age of 16 I lived alone, at 25 I married my husband and I have a wonderful family of children. My mother died, and there was no one but me to bury her, my father was ready to send her to a common grave, but no matter what, I buried her. My father still lives with that woman, she doesn’t communicate with me, and in order to please her, he communicates with me quietly.
Here is my question: because not a single parent loved me, and one traded me for men and vodka, and the other for a woman, can this resentment affect my life? If so, how? And how to understand and forgive them? Thank you.

Answers from psychologists

Good afternoon Your story suggests that your parents have a difficult fate. You can blame them for this, or you can sympathize with them. Not all of us can cope with problems with dignity. And indeed, you can be offended by your parents because they didn’t give you enough love. But how much is enough? People say that if a girl grew up beautiful, it means her father loved her. If a girl gets married and gives birth to children, it means she has received enough maternal love. The way your parents lived does not mean at all that they did not love you. Just look at yourself, admire yourself, be glad that you have a family - a husband, children. This is also thanks to your parents, you are the result of their love. And we can thank them for that.

All the best!

Sincerely

Kostinskaya Galia, family psychologist Israel

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Hello Maria. Yes, such childhood grievances can and do influence a person’s life.

Resentments are negative emotions that a person carries within himself, his soul, his heart. And carrying this negativity requires and draws a huge amount of energy and strength from the person himself, which could be directed in a constructive direction, towards the realization of some of his cherished desires and goals. That is why it is worth forgiving both father and mother. Not for them, but first of all - for yourself. Let go of all negativity and resentment, and direct your strength and energy to developing your own inner harmony now.

Popeskul Alexander Alexandrovich, online psychologist

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Hello Maria,

resentment towards parents can certainly affect a person. How - in different ways. It's like a plant that grew without enough light, or water, or nutrition, or maybe without both. It may grow small, or with a twisted trunk, or with deformed leaves - you never know.

So it is with a person. I will tell you just a few possible consequences of the fact that you grew up without the attention of your mother and father, and, as a result, were offended by them. Perhaps you will learn something.

Such people can be very touchy and hypersensitive. They may have low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.

They may be bitter, short-tempered people who have difficulty controlling their anger. Or, on the contrary, they can be people who strive to please everyone.

They can grow up to be tough, categorical, demanding of themselves and others, harsh in their judgments, unable to forgive themselves or others.

You are offended by your parents, and who could blame you for that?

You write that your mother “traded you for vodka.” You can look at it this way. But you will probably agree that you don’t drink from a good life. I don’t know what your mother’s life was like in childhood, in her youth, but she psychologically could not cope with the departure of your father and her husband from the two of you.

Yes, you could concentrate your energy on raising your daughter. But not all people can gather strength after betrayal. It breaks someone. This is what happened with your mother. She drowned out her pain with vodka. Apparently, she didn’t know how else to get away from the pain. Perhaps someone in her family drank and she copied that behavior as something “familiar.” The psyche is structured in such a way that in moments of crisis, memory offers us salvation in the form of what a person knows and can do.

Fathers of my father's generation, as a rule, forgot about their children when they left the family. It has always been believed that raising children is a woman's job. So he left and left, the child always remained and remains by default with his mother in our country. So your dad didn’t do anything unusual at that time. (Now times are changing somewhat and men are playing an increasingly significant role in raising children, but that was not the case then.) He helped you financially, and this was already a lot for those times. It seems to me that he feels guilty before you, since he quietly communicates with you, despite the reluctance of his wife. That says a lot, Maria.

You buried your mother despite the difficulties. You are communicating with your father. This tells me that you have love for them, although perhaps you scold yourself for it. Not worth it. :-) Love for parents, whatever they may be, is inherent in us genetic level, this is how it should be and there is no need to fight it. This is nature.

So if you feel a small part of this love in yourself, that’s already good.

If you want to get rid of your resentment more completely, try talking to your father. Tell him about how you lived, what you felt, what you thought when you were a child. I think that, at least mentally, he will ask you for forgiveness...

And you can write a letter to your mother. Tell us about the same thing there. Remove these unspoken grievances from your soul. Express them.

You can also write such a letter to your father if the conversation seems difficult.

Living with resentment in your soul is painful. This pain can spill out onto innocent people around you and make your life harder.

So I completely agree with my colleagues: make your life easier, try to at least understand your parents.

All the best
Vasilevskaya Lyudmila Sergeevna, online psychologist.

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Hello.Maria.Yours historical events could affect your self-esteem, or they could not. It all depends on the strength of your character, on the ability to set goals, on willpower and initiative. You should not specifically wait for the consequences of these events. The best criterion for all assessments is your own happiness. If it exists, just live in joy and positivity, love each other mutually and warmly. And if there are difficulties in relationships, you can ask for advice from a psychologist and find a way out of minor situations. It is important to believe in yourself and your path, built on kindness, attention, care, reciprocity and gratitude from a loved one. Live without looking back.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd

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Love to live and create your own family.

However, something is bothering you, and it most likely comes not from the past, but from the present. The mind tries to find explanations for the parents’ dislike, but this is only a deep delusion and a departure from reality.

If you really want to solve the problems that are bothering you today, then it’s better to turn to a competent psychologist and not give up: I’m like this... because my parents didn’t love me and now nothing can be fixed.

I wish you clarity of thoughts and feelings, harmony with yourself and mutual understanding with loved ones.

Anastasia Biryukova, Gestalt therapist in St. Petersburg, Skype from anywhere in the world

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