Lessons from idiotic situations. Lessons from idiotic situations How to properly respond to an unfair accusation
Let's talk a little about humiliating and insulting situations, about situations that are extremely unpleasant, and also ridiculous or, as they are also called, idiotic.
Who didn't fall into them?!
My friend (I don’t know a person more honest and pure than her) told me about how her neighbors in her student dormitory accused her of stealing money and some expensive cosmetics. The logic of these girls was simple: everyone else is from “normal”, that is, wealthy, families, and Natasha is from a poor family with many children - who else if not her?..
I myself will never forget how the trolleybus conductor suspected me of some cunning trick, with the help of which I supposedly got a ticket from him for free: “I only realized now that you took the ticket, but didn’t give me the money.” The conductor talked to me like a tough guy talking to a bandit. The words “rubbish”, “scum” and “scam” rained down on me as if from a cornucopia. The worst thing is that some passengers rushed to take his side. It is very common for a person, by the way, even when the conflict does not concern him personally, to take the side of the “strong,” that is, the aggressor.
One young man I know, in a hot summer in a dacha area, bought apples from his grandmother and had the imprudence to walk with this purchase past orchards guarded by a private Cossack agency. For some reason, the slightly tipsy Cossack women decided that a passerby had stolen the apples from the orchard entrusted to them, and did not listen to any counter-arguments. They intended to tie young man to the fence, hanging on his chest the already prepared “Thief” sign, and keep it like that until sunset (already worked out, apparently, a punitive practice). The only thing that saved the guy was that his uncle worked in the prosecutor’s office and one of the overly zealous guards knew this uncle well, which was what sobered him up.
This also includes completely unfounded police detentions, which I, as a journalist, have written about many times; endless conflicts in self-service stores; "attacks" from neighbors due to a broken pipe... Some of these situations are less dramatic than those described above, but also unpleasant. Others are tragicomic... It’s hardly worth retelling them here one after another. Let's start by asking questions of a psychological nature.
How do we cope with such troubles? Are we becoming their hostages for the rest of our lives? Isn’t fear, depression, a feeling of powerlessness, defenselessness “prescribed” in us?..
Do we know how to behave correctly in such situations, without harming ourselves? Are we able to maintain external calm (and it is absolutely necessary) and what is commonly called human? This also happens: out of fear, out of aggressive pressure, out of the impossibility (as it seems) to protect himself, a person admits to a theft that he did not commit. Or, at best, he gives away money that he doesn’t actually owe to anyone, essentially becoming a victim of extortion.
Do we find the strength within ourselves, do we have the courage to seek truth, justice, and someday the punishment of our offenders? An uncle at the prosecutor's office or a journalist's ID in their purse - not everyone has them, but almost everyone has a feeling of encroaching lawlessness and personal defenselessness...
As for my own behavior in the trap situations that came my way, I myself assessed it differently: from a four to a two. More than once I scolded myself: “As a journalist, I must teach others how to behave in such conflicts, but you yourself don’t know how!” And then a sad counter-voice was heard inside: “It’s easier to teach others, but when you get there yourself, and even so unexpectedly...”
What should we do with such situations in our lives, how to comprehend them, what conclusions to draw from them? And in general, why are they given to us? The last question is no longer psychological, like the previous ones, but Christian.
I will do as usual: first I will try to look for the answer myself, clinging to my fragmentary and superficial knowledge of Orthodox literature, and then I will turn to the priest.
As for literature: the usual prayer book that any believer has is an amazing, rich, deep textbook of Christian life. How many meanings there are in it, how many arrows pointing the way to the Truth! For me personally, one of the most important was this passage in the evening prayer of St. Macarius the Great: “... because I was lazy to please You and did nothing good, You brought me to the end of this passing day, the conversion and salvation of my soul...”
Looking back at the passing day, you realize that, although you worked all day, to please at the same time he was really lazy; and that the Heavenly Father, despite all this laziness of yours, coached you like an infinitely patient teacher of a stupid schoolboy, again and again putting you in situations that did not allow you to fall asleep, forcing you to feel for spiritual support and make a choice.
But how difficult it is to learn to perceive your own life with all its ups and downs - that’s exactly it. Like the endless fuss of the Creator with you, undiligent and unsuccessful. This is especially difficult when the Teacher uses, let’s say, methods that are unpleasant and harsh for us. When we fall into traps like the ones described above.
As has already been said, we do not always know how to behave correctly in these binds. This is a problem. Well, what if we still try to perceive any such situation as a lesson assigned to us by God Himself?.. As an exercise aimed at overcoming cowardice, at increasing trust in the Creator?
Everything happens according to the will of God. So that's how it should be. Who needs it? You. You can't understand why? And who promised you that you would understand everything right away? If you thank the Lord for what happened from the bottom of your heart, then perhaps you will take the first step towards understanding. Do you remember the Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Thessalonians: “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thess. 5:18)? Do you remember the prayer of the Optina elders? - “In all unforeseen cases, do not let me forget that everything was sent down by You...”
God does not send trials beyond our strength. He knows what's wrong with you. We can say that He has His finger on the pulse of the situation. But a lot depends on you. Pray, do not doubt His help, the intercession of the Most Holy Theotokos, do not lose your presence of mind. Remember how many times saints became victims of slander, victims of wild, dirty accusations and perceived this as being sent for their good.
It seems to me that a person with a similar mindset has a much greater chance of emerging victorious from a humiliating situation, subsequently achieving justice and overcoming the consequences of psychological trauma. This is an earthly blessing, this is a necessary consolation for us, weak people who are far from spiritual heights. But we still receive it as a result of spiritual tension that is feasible for us.
In general, everything is correct: we need these shake-ups so that, as stated in the prayer of Macarius the Great, contacted, turned their gaze to Him, were drawn to Him, grew spiritually; and as we grow up, we gain the ability, the ability to get out of these traps.
By the way, about that friend of mine, Natasha. She has been a believer since childhood, although at that difficult moment - the moment of the slander that fell upon her - she was not Orthodox: she maintained contact with one of the Protestant denominations. And sometimes you can learn something good from Protestants. Natasha said this: “I began to pray, and the more I prayed, the calmer I became, and they, these girls, somehow became quiet, as if they were embarrassed... And the next day they behaved with me as if nothing had happened. Of course, this offended me - at least they apologized... But I realized: if I now try to sort things out with them, they will again begin to blame me, not for this, but for something else - just so as not to be guilty themselves. And I decided to just stay away from them.” (Natasha is a person with difficult childhood and she became wise before her time - already in her youth.)
However, it’s time for me to seek advice from a priest.
“They don’t just come to me, but I myself have been in such situations a thousand times,” answers the rector of the Vladimir Church in Saratov, Priest Mikhail Bogatyrev. “It’s really painful when you’re accused of something you didn’t even think about, something you couldn’t do in principle.” For example, when you unscrew the light bulbs in the entrance...
I remember to this day how this happened to me for the first time - in kindergarten. I was four or five years old, and I was accused of an ordinary childish disgrace that was not committed by me at all. I couldn't resist, I was completely crushed and admitted that I did it. Then it turned out that it wasn’t me, but no one, of course, even thought to apologize to me. And then, in my life, this happened more than once, and I made the following conclusion for myself: we should not have tragic reactions to such accusations. You know you didn't do it and God knows it. You did not commit this sin before Him - that’s the main thing. And the people who accuse you don’t need your excuses. They do not carry out this kind of arbitrary investigation in order to find the truth. The truth doesn't matter to them at all. They don't care whether you did it or not. They have a need to humiliate and bully another person. For this they need a reason. Their behavior may be associated with an inferiority complex, inferiority, envy - a person who envies can not only throw mud at the person he envies, but also others - he doesn’t care.
It is necessary in time to switch from human judgment to God’s judgment and say: Lord, You know everything - and Thy will be done
Certainly, nervous system people have different ones. Some will give up and forget, but for others it is truly a lifelong trauma. But here it is important to understand: if you get bogged down in sorting out relationships with these people, at least mentally, your whole life will pass you by. You will have to prove something to them all your life. And by proving that you are not a camel, you are slowly convincing yourself that you are a camel - at least in someone’s eyes. And thus you become dependent on the accusation. That's why it's scary, it's dangerous to make excuses for something you didn't do. It is necessary in time to switch from human judgment to and say: Lord, You know everything - and Thy will be done. That's enough. Essentially this means staying healthy mentally and whole spiritually.
– But is it really easy to switch?
– Personally, I always proceed from the fact that I have something to live for. There is something and someone to think about, something to do. I try to work for results, and I don’t want to be distracted by some extraneous things. Losing the precious time God has given us to achieve results is a sin. Let us remember the parable of the talents (see: Matt. 25: 14–30). You need to work, increasing the talent given by the Lord, and then someone suddenly interferes with you, and while you are dealing with him, you don’t notice how you are losing your spiritual vertical and find yourself in two-dimensional space, on a plane. And you can no longer do anything for God. But the end result of your work is always a spiritual result. And this is not your personal goal. This is the goal that God has given you. This means that it is important to many people.
– From your point of view, therefore, there is no need to seek justice?
– Justice belongs to God. My life experience tells me: after some time after such unfounded accusations, the truth will always come out somewhere. I experienced this more than once before I said: Lord, Thy will be done.
– Father, but you still need to forgive them, these offenders of ours, otherwise you will really get stuck in a chronic conflict with them. Can you do it?
– I generally don’t know how to hold a grudge against people. I may be offended, but the offense will not last long. I have had very difficult cases in my life when I was completely betrayed. But then, after some time, listening to my own soul, I became convinced that I had no complaints against these people. There is no anger, much less a feeling of revenge. Of course, I will not sit at the table with them in a friendly manner; I have no desire to communicate with them at all, if only because it is associated with unpleasant memories. But if I know that they are in trouble, I will do everything to help them out. And I will never reproach them for this later.
I listen to Father Michael and little by little I get rid of all neurotic doubts about the simple truth: all these humiliating, offensive, ridiculous, idiotic situations of ours were given to us by our Father and Teacher for the sake of conversion and our souls. And we wish we had less lazy to please .
We respond correctly to false accusations against us.
Due to various circumstances, we are periodically subjected to verbal attacks.
When the accusations are unexpected, we feel awkward, we are not protected, and therefore we panic, and we can no longer control our behavior as we would in a calm state.
And we panic because we know little about human psychology, we know little about the world.
We often accept other people's rules of play without knowing them. As they say, if a person agrees to play by rules that he does not know, he is a loser.
The first thing you should do in a situation where you hear false accusations against you is to maintain composure and inner calm. You are innocent - that's the main thing. Everything else is trifles.
Secondly, you cannot resist the accuser by acting chaotically. It is necessary to think through every word. Wrong words can cause you great harm.
And then you need to act based on the severity of the charges, the strength of psychological pressure, the damage that may be caused to you, the responsibility that you will have to bear, etc.
If a person wants to find out some information from you, then you can react adequately - give the person what he wants to know.
If a person is irritated and deliberately suppresses your personality, then you can react in the same way.
You need to defend yourself, but the method of repelling a psychological attack (pressure) is chosen each time based on the specific situation.
The best option is humor, irony, sarcasm, if you have the appropriate mood and energy. If you yourself are currently in a difficult situation or upset (for example, someone in the family is sick), then you will not be able to handle this method. You can be ironic when you yourself are in a cheerful mood.
By the way, you can fight back with words spoken in a different intonation. This method also works.
In any case, a psychological attack on you is just an episode in your life, and an interesting and incomprehensible life. If you approach this issue philosophically, then coping with your condition will be very simple. If you are in a difficult situation and you cannot fend off verbal attacks now, then think about whether it is worth wasting your health and energy on people who behave impolitely and aggressively. Connect with others who behave differently.
Of course, it’s better to put the person in his place, but if this doesn’t work yet, don’t worry. Over time, all situations resolve themselves.
The methods “the best defense is an attack”, “break the situation”, “hold your position”, “don’t make excuses”, “don’t bend” also work, but you need to understand well what kind of person is in front of you. Sometimes, gestalt is best way resolve the situation peacefully.
For example, pour an imaginary bucket of ice water on your opponent’s head or throw a trash can over it. In any case, each of these methods allows you to distract yourself and perceive accusations and attacks less painfully. 4 Take the floor. This should only be done when the interlocutor has finished his tirade. Do not make excuses under any circumstances, starting your speech with the phrases “You misunderstood...”, “It wasn’t me...”, etc. If you really made a mistake, then do not be afraid to openly admit your mistake. But, of course, you shouldn’t take someone else’s blame on yourself. 5 Avoid responding to insults in kind. If your opponent cannot calm down and move on to a constructive conversation, refuse to continue the conversation in such a tone and promise to talk later. 6 However, such tactics cannot always be afforded.
How to properly respond to false accusations against you?
Table of contents:
- What accusations are always unfounded?
- Article 246 of the Code of Criminal Procedure of the Russian Federation
- Private prosecution cases
- How to properly respond to false accusations against you?
- Our desire to comply with global trends in the field of development and formation of law is directly reflected in our work, which meets the best international standards
What accusations are always unfounded? You can say a lot and accuse a lot, but you must also be able to back up your words with facts, that is, evidence. Without facts and evidence, the one who accuses will be ridiculous in the eyes of society and look like a clown.
Attention
If a person, say, killed someone, then there should be his fingerprints at the scene of the murder. Well, or at least witnesses to it. And then such evidence can be taken as indirect.
Unfounded accusation article
If you begin to object and make excuses, then this threatens to result in a scandal, negativity, which will only increase the misunderstanding between you and the dissatisfaction of both parties. After the conversation, deal with your overwhelming emotions.
Cases of private prosecution In cases of private prosecution, we offer the following services: The Criminal Code of the Russian Federation are considered criminal cases of private prosecution. are initiated only at the request of the victim, his legal representative, with the exception of cases where the person against whom the crime was committed, due to a dependent or helpless state or for other reasons, cannot defend his rights and legitimate interests. How to correctly respond to false accusations in your direction? In any case, a psychological attack on you is just an episode in your life, and an interesting and incomprehensible life.
How to defend against accusations
You can be ironic when you yourself are in a cheerful mood. By the way, you can also respond with words spoken in a different intonation. This method also works. In any case, a psychological attack on you is just an episode in your life, and an interesting and incomprehensible life.
If you approach this issue philosophically, then coping with your condition will be very simple. If you are in a difficult situation and you cannot fend off verbal attacks now, then think about whether it is worth wasting your health and energy on people who behave impolitely and aggressively.
Communicate with others who behave differently. Of course, it is better to put the person in his place, but if this does not work yet, do not worry.
How to respond to false accusations from Eckhart Tolle
The more options, the more difficult it is. That's why the simplest method - cutting into the butt - is sometimes the most effective. It would seem.) I highly recommend - Henry Kuttner, “Son of Big Hairy.”
Great story - psychology in action. Our desire to comply with global trends in the development and formation of law is directly reflected in our work, which meets the best international standards. We fought for a just cause. The purpose of our earthly life is to serve people. “The Bar unites society and the state in the field of law.
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This is its social value.” “Man, his rights and freedoms are the highest value. Recognition, observance and protection of human and civil rights and freedoms is the duty of the state” (Article 2 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation).
How to behave when you are accused, but you are not to blame?
Confidently enough, looking you in the eye, declare your innocence, and let the accusers, knowing you, decide for themselves whether to believe you or not. Or look for hard evidence. Another defense against accusations that is most often used is “blaming is the best defense.”
This is when we start shouting in response, recalling the old mistakes and flaws of the current accusers. This is not a very effective method, because by and large it leads to an ordinary scandal, during which you can say a lot of unnecessary things.
If other people's unfounded accusations really hurt you, try to quickly forget your offense. Although it is believed that during a quarrel we say everything we think, this is not entirely true.
Often we just want to offend a person and deliberately “pour salt into the wounds”, and then we worry ourselves. It is very important to understand this, forgive and not be offended. And try not to blame others in vain.
So that they don't get offended.
How to respond to accusations
We all have to become a target from time to time, into which other people's grievances and accusations fly like darts. We are regularly accused of callousness, selfishness, inattention, sloppiness, and rudeness.
You never know. Just when a person Bad mood, he blames everyone around him. But what if “around” is only you. How to respond to accusations? First, the accusations may be fair. Admit it and repent. “Yes, I was wrong. Yes, I made a mistake, it’s my fault.” It’s very difficult to say, but it’s useful. In the end, the punitive speech aims to direct you to the right path, and if you are already on it, then this pathetic speech seems to lose its meaning.
But do not think that after your words the accuser will immediately shut up. No, it is vital for those who have stepped down the path of accusations to let off steam.
So get ready to repentantly listen and nod.
If the answer is on the surface, for example, the boss scolded you at work, and anger comes out on you, then tell the “prosecutor” about it. A sane person himself knows (and in any case guesses) about the true reasons for his irritability, and when he hears them from you, he will be ashamed.
Maybe he'll be upset. But he will stop laying false accusations against you. If there is no answer on the surface, then invite the person to calmly tell you about his troubles, because you know that his accusations are simply a release of negative emotions.
Another option is when you are accused of some unseemly act that you did not commit. If you have solid evidence of your innocence, provide it and end the conversation there.
If there is no significant evidence, then you should not twitch nervously and tear out your hair: “Do you believe me or not!?” .
How to properly respond to false accusations against you
Instructions 1 Do not interrupt your opponent. Silently listen to all his complaints, without trying to get a word in. Most likely, the accuser expects a reverse reaction from you: emotions, attempts to justify yourself and defend your point of view. However, you should not maintain the given tone of communication and switch to elevated tones. Calmly listen to all complaints, even if they are completely unfounded. 2 Use your imagination to maintain equanimity. It is not so easy to withstand a hail of accusations, let your own imagination help you. There are many popular methods to regain self-confidence and repel an enemy's mental attack. For example, imagine that there is a thick glass wall between you: your opponent’s words hit it and fly back. Try to detail the obstacle as much as possible, think about its color and texture. 3 You can also use less humane plots.
And then don’t forget to correct your mistake. Listen to criticism. If you are regularly accused of the same thing, it’s probably not without reason. This means you need to change something in yourself. Or at least try to correct some personal qualities. Each person, no doubt, is individual, but it is still necessary to adapt to the requirements of others.
So that there are no offenses on their part. Secondly, the accusations may be unfair. When you just fell under the hot hand. On the one hand, why argue if you are not guilty of anything, why make excuses? On the other hand, your patronizing silence (they say, I’m above this) can act like a red rag on a bull.
Therefore, you should not accept unnecessary accusations. Try to understand what really made your accuser so angry.
In fact, the advice on how to behave correctly when you are accused, but you are not to blame, is very simple. So, if you are accused of something you didn’t do, first decide whether they are doing this with malicious intent, or whether people really made a mistake. If the accusation is not just wrong, then you must keep in mind that it is convenient for someone to make you guilty. What to do in this case? First, you need to find out who is to blame for what happened. Only with undeniable evidence will you be able to confront your accusers. Most likely, by blaming someone who is not guilty, a person wants to protect himself or specifically blame someone. In fact, the degree of seriousness of such a charge varies widely. This can be done by jealous rivals who want to take your loved one away from you, envious employees who are annoyed that the boss loves you more than others, or competitors who need you to go broke. But, in any case, people begin to behave this way, setting the goal of your moral or material destruction. How to protect yourself from them and behave correctly in such a situation?
Firstly, there should always be reliable people next to you who can support and protect you in any situation. But, you must be really sure that these people will never betray you and will not fight on two fronts. If they are trying to set you up and do this for more than one day, then one of your close friends could try, so to speak, to “get into enemy territory” and find out exactly why they want to set you up, and also get some proof. But, even if it is impossible to do this, close people should always confirm your words, of course, if they are true. You shouldn’t lie to a whole crowd, because later, when everything is revealed, they won’t believe not only you, but also your friends.
Often, only words can be used in an accusation. And here, it is very important to be able to respond correctly to words. Firstly, you shouldn’t scream and start accusing this person of slander. In fact, that's all he wants. If a person is driven to hysteria, he ceases to think adequately and argue his words. Therefore, when you are accused, you do not need to immediately get angry, call the person names and shout that you have been slandered. Instead, it is best to listen very carefully. There are always places in lies that are “sewn with white thread.” If you notice them in time, then you can justify yourself with dignity. Therefore, under no circumstances interrupt your accuser. Listen to it to the end, and only then begin to draw any conclusions. If you know that he definitely cannot have any physical evidence to confirm your accusation, then you can very easily and simply prove that you are not guilty of anything. But for this you need to stay very calm and cold. If you start to get angry, clouded, lower your eyes and get nervous, people get the impression that you are doing this because you know about your guilt and now you are trying to somehow hide it, but nothing is working out for you. Therefore, under no circumstances allow yourself to be nervous. Even if you just want to strangle the offender bare hands, never dare to show it. If a person sees that he has brought someone out of balance, he will definitely take advantage of it. Therefore, you should not allow this to happen.
Also, you should never make excuses. When a person begins to excitedly say that he is not like that and could not do anything like that, then his words are also not perceived as something real and truthful. In situations where you are purposefully accused, you need to use only arguments and irrefutable facts. As mentioned earlier, try to identify the weak points in the accusation and refute them. This can be done in different ways: by putting forward your version, asking questions, or in some other way. You just need to look at the situation and, under no circumstances, give free rein to your emotions. Remember that the accuser expects any reaction from you, but not calmness and complete confidence in yourself and in your rightness. This behavior will definitely confuse him. If you also start exposing, the person is completely lost and forgets about all the arguments he had before. Therefore, always remember that it is most difficult to accuse a person who knows that he is right, is not afraid of the accuser and does not allow himself to lose calm.
If you were not accused on purpose, then it is much easier to understand the situation. In this case, people are much more willing to listen to you and find the truth. But in this case there is no need to make excuses. Simply, you need to explain the situation, prove why exactly you could not do this and, if necessary, find evidence that will confirm your innocence in this or that case. Most likely, they will give you time to find a way to justify yourself and will adequately assess the situation, and not look for an opportunity to confirm your guilt.
In fact, in every person's life there are times when he is accused of something he did not do. Don't take this to heart. All people make mistakes and everyone also has ill-wishers. If no one hates you, you need to think about whether you are living right. After all, only dull and uninteresting people do not evoke emotions. Therefore, such stories and accusations should be taken not as a reason to consider yourself a bad person, but as proof that you can evoke such strong emotions in your enemies, therefore, you truly live and do not exist.
When they say that only fair criticism hurts, and any nonsense bounces off a correctly behaved person like peas off a wall, then this is not confirmed by practice. I have encountered dozens, if not hundreds of cases where an unjustly accused, quite positive and seemingly balanced person, was very worried about criticism and accusations. The whole point is not whether the accusation is fair or not, but whether it has enough force to pierce you or not. By force, I mean not just the amount of negative energy or emotion contained in the accusation, but the precision of the arrow, which must hit where it hurts.
So, in order to successfully repel an attack in the form of accusation or criticism in the future (this could be either in a few days or in a few seconds), you must first of all be as precise as possible assess the nature and degree of your guilt or mistakes towards the accuser. If you are really guilty or made a mistake, then for a further correct defense strategy you must admit this guilt or at least part of the guilt in a calm manner. Sometimes this step alone will be enough for the wave of accusations to fade away. But even if it continues, consider that by admitting guilt you are killing several birds with one stone. First of all, you show your partner that you are a completely sane person, capable of looking at the situation objectively, and that you are a strong person. And strength cannot but inspire respect among most people.
Just remember that such a confession must be made in a calm, firm and confident intonation, without a shadow of hesitation or uncertainty (otherwise people will consider your admission as weakness), and in the future you can ignore a new wave of even more serious criticism and accusations.
One of my clients, who misunderstood the advice to plead guilty, began to do so at every turn. Because he worked as a manager in the supply department of a company where customers often made complaints, his strategy of continually repenting and admitting mistakes, compounded by his weak voice and uncertain intonation, only irritated customers and ultimately cost him his career with that company.
In other words, do not be afraid to admit your actual guilt or mistake, even if the accusations or criticism against you are excessive. In this case, the method of separating the rational grain contained in the accusation from the emotional husk is useful. You should say something like the following phrase: “Okay, I accept this part of the criticism and will try to correct the mistake, just let’s speak calmly.” Stand in your position of calm and admitting that part of the guilt that you really agree with, but do not allow the accusing party to hang all the dogs on you.
While you encourage your critic to remain calm, remain calm yourself. Strictly speaking, before assessing the force of the impact, you need maintain a state of psychological balance and stability. No assessment of the situation and your own capabilities will be objective and accurate if you do not maintain your state at the proper level of calm, which, like a mirror, will accurately reflect everything that happens to you and around you. Even if criticism and accusation have “pierced” your defenses and made you angry, do not show your emotional state to the one who criticizes you. Since this hurt you so much, it means that there is a certain charge of evil in his accusations, therefore, seeing your grief and “broken-down”, he is unlikely to sympathize with you.
It is calmness that will allow you to complete another important task, which you must accomplish in the brief moment of interval between receiving a blow in the form of an accusation and your own response - try to understand as best as possible what the accusing party wants to achieve from you with its criticism. The motives that guide the critic can be very diverse, but there are several main ones among them. By criticizing you, a person consciously or unconsciously pursues the following goals:
Other motives are usually a combination of these. How can you understand which of them predominates in the mind of your critic? Recently, during a consultation, I explained to a client that, as a last resort, he could just ask the accuser what he wants from him. And although a critic rarely tells the truth, just by how and in what tone he will answer you, you will be able to more accurately see and understand his motives. You can also see how he reacts to your behavior, especially if you do not react to all the accusations and remain unperturbed. If he irritably continues and intensifies his accusations, it means that he is unhappy that he is not able to piss you off. If, after a violent emotional outburst, he calms down somewhat and, faced with your calm reaction, does not strive to escalate the conflict, then he wanted to let off steam. When he resumes attacks again and again, trying to hurt your pride, it means he is driven by a thirst for self-affirmation. And if you see that he is not just criticizing you, but is trying to push your behavior in a certain direction, then this means that his accusations are aimed at achieving some result from you. I do not consider sincere criticism for the good purpose of helping you, even if it is from great love or sympathy for you is excessive, you should not defend yourself against it by resorting to sophisticated techniques. It is better to listen to such criticism and take the most useful from it, although there is a rational grain in any most destructive and unfair accusation.
How to protect yourself from intense and painful criticism, dictated by the desire to ruin your mood? First of all take care of your mood, concentrating your attention on it and consciously imbuing it with its positive charge. It is desirable that this mood be supported by good health and high psychoenergetic tone, as if you had returned from a vacation where you had a good rest. Remember that in this state it is really difficult to get angry, unlike the state at the end of the working year, shortly before vacation, when any trifle can set you off. Fill yourself with the emotion of joy, confidence and good mood, as if you are filling a vessel in such a way that someone else’s poisonous emotion of criticism does not penetrate there.
Besides, surround yourself with a mental shield, for example, an imaginary armored glass, which, on the one hand, due to its transparency, allows you to see the slightest details of the situation and the opponent’s behavior, and on the other hand, due to its strength, reflects all negative emotions, arguments and energies. Imagine that not a single critical argument or spark of accusatory energy penetrates the strong material of glass. Give the image of this glass in your mind the function of elastic parrying a blow and the so-called mirroring, in which you will return all the emotional negativity that has been brought down on you to the source that gave birth to it. Try to feel that your soul and aura perceive criticism with elastic ease, and everything that is unfairly negative in criticism simply bounces off of you. Tune in to the feeling of your personal life-energy space, into which no one can invade.
Having reflected the blow on a subtle energy level, that is, keeping your aura in a calm and stable state, you need counter it purely behaviorally with the help of words, movements, deeds and actions. First of all, you need an instant or almost instantaneous choice of reaction. To do this, you will need to immediately understand and feel in which register the critic works and which language will be best understood by him. Depending on who is in front of you, what he wants, how powerful he is compared to you, and what consequences your response may have, you choose a specific form of reaction:
How to choose the right reaction and the most effective answer? First of all, you need to understand what you want - to achieve a business goal at all costs, despite a quarrel or a possible break in the relationship, or do you still want to maintain contact with this person? At all seminars on topics of business or family conflictology and at individual consultations on this topic, I persistently seek from people a clear and precise answer - what do they want more in this situation? If people do not have clear, formalized desires, then I teach them methods that help clarify the darkness of their own consciousness and confusion in desires, among which the most effective are psychotechniques such as Awakening Inner Intuition, “Dialogue with Your Own Subconscious,” “Question to the Higher Self” ". With regular training, they almost instantly reveal to a person how to behave in an extreme or unclear situation and which behavior is best to choose. Learn to peer and listen to yourself, to the situation, to the behavior and personality of the accuser in order to learn to see accurately and directly what to do. You must cultivate the ability to make full use of the feedback function in any situation of blame and criticism, evaluate it with lightning speed and depth and find the best solution.
However, remember: the best criticism defense program will not work if you are unable to curb your negative emotions that arise as a natural reaction to blame and criticism. In order for these states to manifest themselves as rarely as possible, you need, in principle, to change your attitude towards critical statements addressed to you. When people give you compliments, it feels good, but it is useless from the point of view of growth in any form, be it professional, personal or spiritual growth. But when you are criticized, even if it seems unpleasant and unfair to you, then criticism still pushes you to do your job better or at least gives you the opportunity to cultivate patience. Eastern wisdom says: “If the person accusing you is unfair, then you should not waste your nerves over his absurd criticism, but if he is fair, then again it is better not to waste your energy on a useless insult, but to draw a conclusion, thank you for the advice and correct the mistake.” .
It is also useful to look at the accuser, at his words and at that part of himself that is prone to insults coming from the outside, as if these were all illusory images, soap bubbles, mirages that do not exist. Don't identify with the accusations or your emotions about them, but learn to mentally say to their face: “This is not me!” Training in non-identification with criticism is one of the most important techniques for developing security. It is difficult for a person to master it perfectly, so I try to ensure that every client who wants to become more secure learns this method.
If negative emotions nevertheless break through the dam of your restraining will, then it is useful to resort to other methods that delay the spilling out of these experiences. Develop the habit before you utter barbs in response to criticism, count to yourself to ten, take several deep breaths, or, finally, run your tongue several times inside teeth. This is what Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, a man who consciously learned to squeeze a slave out of himself, advised his readers to do. If you are able to do these or any other psychotechnical procedures, you will suppress the spontaneous outburst of emotions in yourself and therefore respond to criticism a little later, but much more thoughtfully and thoroughly.
Sergey Yurievich Klyuchnikov- practical psychologist with 25 years of work experience, candidate of philosophical sciences, academician Russian Academy natural sciences (RAEN). The author of more than 20 books on practical psychology, he is one of the ten most read psychologists in Russia. Creator of unique proprietary methods for mastering the hidden resources of the body and psyche, self-regulation and combating alcoholism, increasing personal effectiveness and financial success, stress management, behavior in extreme situations and psychological self-defense from aggression and manipulation. Conducted several hundred psychological trainings and several thousand individual consultations, incl. in Moscow, Novosibirsk, Vladivostok, Nizhny Novgorod, Odessa, etc.
More detailed information about Sergei Kluchnikov’s books, as well as consultations and trainings can be found on the website www.kluchnikov.ru
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