Alan and Barbara Pease biography. Language of relationships (A

Modern science states that almost 80% of all communications take place at a non-verbal level - that is, with the help of signs, facial expressions and body movements. One of the most popular writers to cover this topic is the Australian Alan Pease. His entire creative path is deciphering body language. And now his entire team is teaching people how to successfully use the secrets of this silent language in negotiations.

Carier start

Where did famous business coach and bestselling author Alan Pease get his start? “Body Language,” a book published in 1981, became his calling card. But how did this personality's success story begin? From an early age, the writer showed himself to be a true businessman and leader.

From the age of 10, he was already learning business communication - Alan Pease began by mastering the art of selling. By his teenage years, his experience allowed him to become a sales specialist in an insurance company and get rich. Subsequently, young Alan began writing books on the psychology of communication. His unquenchable enthusiasm and excellent organizational skills brought the writer to international arena. And at this time, the author of the most popular books on the psychology of influence and trainer has obligations to manage his business centers in almost 30 countries around the world. He also continues to write about non-verbal speech.

Mr. Body Language

Alan Pease began writing about what he does excellently and convincing at the age of 21. He tried to put all the communication skills acquired in his work, all his observations of people into one book. The book appeared in Russia in the early 90s and has since gone through many reprints. Almost every 2 years, publishers released their own version.

The bestseller written by Alan Pease is “Body Language. How to Read the Thoughts of Others by Their Gestures?” translated into 36 languages. Its circulation totals more than one hundred million copies. This is the first book that was recognized as one of the best on the theory of nonverbal communication.

Reviews and reviews of the book are extremely positive. After all, this is not academic literature, but an accessible “instruction” written for ordinary people on daily communication - with relatives, friends and colleagues. The author's ideas and statements in the book are represented by specific drawings. Therefore, even a child can understand these ideas.

Alan and Barbara Pease. Happy co-authorship

Having married Barbara, the writer received enormous support not only in his personal life, but also in the field of book publishing. Together with Barbara, Alan wrote several books about the psychology of relationships between men and women.

In addition, Barbara Pease is her husband's personal assistant and work colleague. She is not only a co-author of books, but also a gene. director of a huge company selling educational disks on behalf of Alan.

Decoding body movements. Alan Pease and his company Pease

Alan Pease's books help you understand the intentions and secret fears of your interlocutor; understand yourself while talking with another person. But to give people more detailed description, at a personal meeting to discuss the nuances and messages, the writer conducts seminars in many countries around the world. Lively and interesting communication with the author will bring a person much more benefit than reading a dozen books.

Pease produces various seminars, audiotapes and sign reading training courses for business corporations. Thanks to the activities of this company, many ordinary companies have grown into real transnational giants. At one time, the international company McDonald’s was a client of this company. This is an absolute indicator of the success of Pease.

Is it possible to “lie nonverbally”? Moral issues in Alan Pease's books

Thanks to the study of all the nuances described in various courses and trainings, a person learns to be at ease in society, ceases to be afraid of misunderstanding the interlocutor or being criticized.

However, there is another side to knowledge about nonverbal communication. Is it possible to “lie with your body”? After all, all secret thoughts and motivations can be read through body language. Body language cannot be faked. Therefore, the author clearly gives a negative answer to this question. You can only try a little to hide your emotional reactions from others, but this will take many years of training.

Some critics accuse Alan and Barbara Pease of teaching manipulation. But in fact, all the information is aimed only at better understanding what actually happens during the exchange of information on the internal emotional plane.

Communications and business

In the work space of life, many people often lack the practice of negotiations, the ability to correctly present information and accept information coming from a business partner. This is a big loss, since the field of business itself requires the ability to organize, and communications play a decisive role in this process.

In the book "Body Language..." there is a separate chapter explaining what the essence of a handshake is and what types there are. And, most importantly, how not to lose the initiative in a conversation. For example, a handshake, which is called a “glove,” cannot be used when communicating with unfamiliar people. This gesture is rather friendly. But in the business sphere, it can cause tension and irritation in the opponent.

Oratory

Allan Pease wrote and published a separate book: “Speak Exactly... How to Combine the Joy of Communication and the Benefit of Conviction.” It deals with issues of influence and persuasion. On the pages of this book, the reader will learn how to properly listen to criticism or learn to actively listen to your interlocutor. The advice given by the author will help everyone resolve disagreements without conflict and successfully and defend their point of view. The writer himself is a successful speaker; he also conducts active popularization activities on television and conducts radio broadcasts. Therefore, Alan Pease himself, books and audio recordings of these books will help those who are just learning to work with the public.

In this book, a person can also find information on how to control the conversation and ask the “right” questions. For those who want to prove themselves as a leader in a company or for people who do not know how to conduct a conversation with strangers, this information will be very useful. But you can learn all of the above only through practice. However, there are people who easily get along with others due to the fact that on an intuitive level they understand them quite well. They are natural leaders and may find the book boring.

Relationships between the sexes. Books

In the sphere of love, it is even more necessary to understand body movements and facial expressions. Alan Pease also talks about this. The language of relationships also needs to be learned, like formulas in algebra, if you want to live long and happily in a marital relationship.

One of these books, where both Barbara and Alan Pease showed their talent as a writer, “The Language of Relationships. Man and Woman” is also considered a classic of popular psychology. From the book you can learn about the differences in the characters of men and women. And about why people in marriage behave in certain ways.

The book is more suitable for young people who are just beginning to form their attitude towards the opposite sex. But also the ideas contained on the pages will help those who have difficulties in understanding with their husband (wife) to understand.

Barbara Pease has co-authored several unique and also useful books about love and understanding between marriage partners. For example, the book “Body Language in Love” or another - “Why do men lie and women cry?” These publications are also well-written and accessible, eloquently illustrated and supported by real-life examples.

Each reader has the opportunity to better understand himself and his soul mate. Of course, it is written here from a more practical point of view. It is, rather, like a guide to the “locks of the psyche”, where lyrical digressions are inappropriate. This makes the book a little dry. In general, all works authored by Alan Pease, books and audio recordings published by him, are distinguished by a pragmatic approach to reality, which is not surprising. After all, this man devoted his entire life to practical observations and reflections on the nature of gestures and how to apply this knowledge in practice.

The book will teach you to separate phrases of simple politeness from grains of truth and decipher non-verbal signals. You will be able to assess the sincerity of your partner’s intentions and correctly interpret his thoughts, and the ability to give compliments and listen carefully will allow you to achieve success not only in your personal life, but will also raise you to the top of your professional career and make you a “master of conversation.”

Answers in questions

The most important way to manipulate the attention of your interlocutor, writes Alan Pease, author of the book “Answers in Questions,” is to ask the right questions.

How to use questions to get the answer you need from your interlocutor, how to hear “Yes”, how to learn to read body signs...? You will learn these and other techniques by reading this book.

Speak exactly... How to combine the joy of communication and the benefits of persuasion

The book will teach you to separate phrases of formal politeness from the grains of truth and decipher non-verbal signals given by the interlocutor.

You will be able to appreciate your partner’s sincerity and correctly interpret his thoughts, and the ability to give compliments and listen carefully will allow you to achieve success not only in your personal life, but will also lift you to the top of your professional career and make you a “master of conversation.”

The art of selling. The most effective techniques and techniques

Allan Pease, a leading communications expert and world-renowned psychologist, brings you the most effective sales techniques and network marketing techniques that will help you make millions. Spend two hours reading, do a little practice, and your business will rise to heights you never dreamed of!

You'll also learn how to read a person's mind through their gestures and use your own nonverbal cues to succeed in negotiations, make a good impression, ace a job interview, and make an effective presentation.

New Body Language: Extended Version

The book “Body Language” will help you consciously record, determine and understand the internal state of your interlocutor, his mood, attitude towards what is happening and towards you based on his gestures.

Considering the fact that the male half of humanity masters the art of unconsciously perceiving this kind of signals to a lesser extent, you have an excellent opportunity to master this art on a conscious level.

Why men want sex and women want love

It's no secret that in the same situations, men and women most often behave completely differently. When it comes to intimate life, differences in behavior and attitude towards the same things can reach simply cosmic proportions, which does not at all contribute to strengthening mutual understanding and, moreover, really interferes with enjoying the natural joys of life!

The authors of the famous “Body Language” offer their assistance in solving the most pressing communication problems that arise between loved ones. And along the way, they answer the questions: why do men and women perceive love differently? What do men really want? What turns them on the most? What masculine qualities are valued by women? Why do we sometimes have casual sex? How to find the ideal partner?

Language of relationships (Male and female)

Allan and Barbara Pease spent 7 years collecting the results of scientists' research in the field of human evolution to show how to apply the accumulated knowledge to the practical aspects of relationships between men and women.

At the threshold of the third millennium, we are still as ignorant of gender relations as we were at the beginning of time, and so we continue to gain nuggets of knowledge from the battlefields of family battles. Licking wounds is a long process and not always successful. Allan and Barbara Pease will help you fill gaps in this area of ​​knowledge. They will teach you how to retreat from the battlefield, and sometimes even avoid the fight itself. And those physiological and psychological differences that make us so different and unique will never again be obstacles to conflict-free communication. Practical advice, which are easy to implement, will help you not only establish warm and trusting relationships in your family, but will also make your life more harmonious and happier.

Introduction

On a sunny morning, Bob, Sue and their three daughters went for a Sunday walk in the car. Bob sat behind the wheel and Sue sat next to him, turning around every minute to join in the cheerful chatter of her daughters. They all talked at the same time, and about completely different things, and Bob drove the car amid an incessant din, devoid of any meaning to him. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore:

– Would you please shut up! - Bob barked.

The cabin suddenly became silent.

- Why? – Sue asked after a pause.

– Because I’m driving the car! – he said irritably.

The women looked at each other in bewilderment. “Driving a car?” – muttered one of them.

They couldn't figure out how their conversation related to driving, and Bob couldn't figure out why the women were talking all at once, sometimes about completely different things, and none of them seemed to be listening to the others.

Why don't they be silent for a while, giving him a chance to concentrate? Because of this bazaar, he had already missed the last turn on the highway.

The point is simple: men and women are different from each other. They are no worse, no better than each other - they are different. Scientists, anthropologists and sociobiologists have known this for a long time, but they also know that as soon as they openly proclaim such a thesis in a “politically moderate world”, they will immediately become outcasts. IN modern society There is a belief that the potential capabilities of men and women are the same, they are equally talented and can master any professional skill. And this conviction matured just at the moment when science - what an irony! – has collected enough evidence that men and women are sharply different from each other.

What does this situation threaten us with? Our society, as it turns out, rests on a rather shaky foundation. Only by recognizing our differences can we strengthen our collective strength to counterbalance our individual weaknesses. In this book we have attempted to take advantage of the great recent advances in the science of human evolution to show how to apply this knowledge to the practical aspects of relationships between men and women. The conclusions we have reached may seem controversial. In some cases they can be called alarming. At the same time, they allow us to gain a deeper understanding of the essence and explain the oddities that arise in the relationship between a man and a woman. It would be nice if Bob and Sue read this book before they set off.

Why was this book so difficult to write?

It took three years and a journey of 400,000 kilometers to create this book. Basis of research: documents, interviews and workshops conducted in Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Thailand, Hong Kong, Malaysia, England, Scotland, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Germany, Holland, Spain, Turkey, USA, South Africa, Botswana, Zimbabwe , Zambia, Namibia and Angola.

The most difficult thing was to get public and private organizations to express their opinions on the available facts. For example, less than one percent of women work as commercial airline pilots. Regarding this fact, many declared “No comment”, demanding, sometimes with threats, not to mention the name of their organization in this book. Female administrators were, as a rule, somewhat more accommodating, but immediately took over all-round defense, considering our research to be anti-feminist, although they had no idea what we were talking about. The opinion of some authoritative people, from corporate executives to university professors, was obtained only anonymously - a dimly lit room, closed doors - after numerous assurances: of course, a full guarantee, their names, the names of the relevant organizations will not be mentioned. Many had two opinions: “politically restrained” and their own with the warning “do not quote.”

You will see that while reading a book, sometimes you will want to argue with the authors, and sometimes you will come across amazing facts, but in any case they will interest you. Despite the fact that the book was based on Scientific research, it widely presents materials from ordinary Everyday life, opinions ordinary people and episodes that range from the merely amusing to the purely humorous, you'll enjoy reading it. The goal we set in creating this book is to help you, our reader, learn more about both yourself and people of the opposite sex, so that your relationships become more joyful, fulfilling and bring more satisfaction.

This book is dedicated to all the men and women who have had the experience of tearing their hair out at two in the morning, crying out to their partner, “Why don’t you understand me?” Mutual understanding disappears because men will not understand why a woman does not behave like a man, and a woman expects behavior from her partner that copies her own. This book will help you not only improve relationships with the opposite sex, but also understand yourself more deeply. As a result, you will come to a happier, healthier and more harmonious life.

Barbara and Allan Pease

Chapter 1. Same species, but different worlds

Men and women are different from each other. They are no worse, no better than each other - they are different. Almost the only thing they have in common is that they are individuals of the same species. They live in different worlds, different values ​​are a priority for them, they act following different life rules. Everyone knows this, but very few, especially men, take the trouble to realize it. But that's the truth. Look at the evidence for yourself. About 50% of marriages in Western countries end in divorce, and it is very common for serious relationships to end prematurely. Men and women of every race, raised in every culture and environment, constantly challenge the opinions, behavior, attitudes and beliefs of their partners.

Something obvious

When a man goes to the toilet, he usually does it for one single purpose. Women use the dressing room as a kind of surrogate for the living room and boudoir. A woman who enters a dressing room may emerge with her best friend for life, even though she has never met her before. Anyone hearing a man say, “Hey, Frank, I'm going to the bathroom, would you mind joining me?” would immediately suspect something was wrong.

Men usually grab the TV remote control and jump from channel to channel during pauses; women prefer to wait patiently for advertising.

To relieve stress, men resort to either drinking alcohol or attacking neighbors; women eat chocolate and go shopping.

Women criticize men for being insensitive, inconsiderate, not listening, not being warm, not loving enough, preferring sex to love in bed, and leaving the toilet lid up.

Men criticize women for being bad drivers and not knowing how to road map and they try to read her upside down, for her lack of sense of direction, for her talkativeness and inability to separate the main from the secondary in a story, for the fact that she rarely asks for sex, and for the constantly lowered toilet lid. The man can never find his belongings, but he always puts computer disks in alphabetical order. A woman will always find her lost car keys, but she will rarely find the most shortcut to your destination. Men think that they belong to the sex that has greater common sense. Women know that they are the most sensible ones.

How long does it take a man to change a roll of toilet paper?

Unknown because he never did it.

Men admire how a woman who has just entered a room can immediately describe each of those present in it; women simply cannot believe that a man can be as unobservant as he “pretends to be.” Men are amazed how a woman can not notice the red warning light flashing on the car dashboard, but instantly notices a dirty sock lying in a dark corner 50 meters away from her. Women are shocked by the fact that a man who is able to drive a car into a narrow gap, looking in the rearview mirror, cannot find a door with an “M” sign in a spacious hall.

If a woman is lost, she will stop the car and ask for directions. From a man's point of view, this is a manifestation of unforgivable weakness. He will spend hours circling the city, muttering to himself: “I’ll find a new route there,” or “Looks like it’s around here somewhere,” or “Yeah, I’ve already seen that gas station.”

Different occupations - different evolution

The evolution of men and women proceeded differently because the circumstances were different. The man hunted, the woman gathered. The man defended. The woman was babysitting. As a result, the evolution of both the body and the mind took different paths. As the body evolved to perform tasks more efficiently, the mind also changed. Men became predominantly taller and stronger than women as their brains developed in accordance with their assigned functions. Over millions of years, the brain structure of men and women has changed under different demands. We now know that information processing occurs differently in different sexes. They think differently. They believe differently. They have different perceptions, priorities and behavior.

Ignoring this circumstance, you will get a headache, encounter misunderstanding, and your life will only bring you disappointment.

Argument referring to the “stereotype” of upbringing

Since the late eighties, the amount of research into differences between men and women, both in general and in thinking, has grown exponentially. For the first time in history, modern computer equipment has made it possible to observe how the brain works “live.” Looking into it, we received answers to many questions about the nature of the differences between men and women. The research that is the subject of this book is based on a large number of scientific works in the field of medicine, psychology and sociology, each of which clearly shows: men and women are different creatures. For almost the entire twentieth century, this was explained by various social conditions, namely: we are what we are because of the attitude of our parents and teachers towards us, which, in turn, is a reflection of the attitude of society as a whole towards us. Girls are dressed in pink and given dolls, boys are dressed in blue and given tin soldiers and a soccer ball. Girls are comforted and petted, while boys are spanked and told not to cry. Until recently, it was believed that a child's brain at birth was as pure as a white sheet of paper, and the teacher could write whatever he wanted on it, according to his choice and discretion. Currently available biological evidence, however, paints a completely different picture of why we think the way we do.

These findings provide compelling evidence that our hormones and brain cell organization are directly responsible for our behavior, preferences, and attitudes toward the world around us. This means that when raising children on a desert island, in isolation from organized society and from parents who would guide their actions, girls will still nurse, dress and raise dolls, and boys will compete with each other physically and intellectually and form groups with clear designated hierarchy.

The organization of the activity of our brain cells, which developed in the prenatal state, and the influence of hormones determine the nature of our thinking and behavior.

As you can see, the organization of the activity of our brain cells and the hormones circulating in us are the two main factors that dictate to us how to behave and how to think, long before we were born. Instincts are simply derivatives of our genes, which determine how our body will behave in given circumstances.

Isn't this a man's conspiracy?

Since the sixties, organized pressure groups have been trying to influence us into neglecting our biological characteristics. They believe that governments, religion and the education system are nothing more than a universal conspiracy of men to suppress women, based on the desire to degrade women. And pregnancy is just one way to dominate her.

Indeed, from a broad historical perspective this is what it looks like. But let us ask ourselves: if men and women are the same, as these groups proclaim, then how did men manage to take over this world so completely? Recent research in the field of brain functioning now gives us the answer to many questions in this regard. We are not the same. Men and women should be given equal rights to realize their full potential, but there is no doubt that they have different innate abilities. Whether men and women are equal is a matter of politics and morality, but the question of whether they are equal is a matter of science.

Equality between men and women is a political and moral concept; Science deals with the differences between them.

The actions of those who reject the idea that our biological nature determines our behavior are often driven by the best of intentions, a desire to resist discrimination based on gender. But they, as a rule, confuse two concepts - equality and sameness - which belong to completely different categories. We reviewed research reports from leading paleontologists, ethnologists, psychologists, biologists and brain scientists. To date, the conclusion about the differences in the structure of the brains of men and women has been approved as an indisputable thesis and not allowing for any other interpretation. Considering the differences between men and women discussed in this book, some may say, “No, this is not about me. I don’t do that!” Maybe this particular person does not act that way. But we are looking at average men and women, or more precisely, how men and women act in most cases in typical situations. The term average means that when you walk into a room full of people, you will immediately notice that the men are larger and taller than the women. To be very precise, 7% higher and 8% larger. The largest and tallest individual in the room may be a woman, but in general men are both taller and larger. In the Guinness Book of Records, all the record-breaking largest and record-tall people are men. The tallest man in the world was Robert Peshing - 2 meters 79 centimeters, and the tallest A tall man in 1998 - Alan Channa from Pakistan - 2 meters 31 centimeters. History books are full of definitions of "Big John" and "Little Susie"! I'm not sexist. I'm just giving the facts.

What is the position of the authors

It is possible that reading this book will make some people feel complacent and arrogant, or, on the contrary, it will make them angry. This is due to the fact that we have all, to a greater or lesser extent, become victims of an idyllic philosophy (Not idealistic, but an idyllic philosophy, which proclaims that both man and woman are one and the same. So let's immediately make it clear our position on this issue. We, the authors, have created this book to help you shape and improve your relationships with individuals of both genders. We believe that men and women should have equal opportunities for careers in any field, elected by them that people having the same qualifications should receive equal remuneration for equal work).

Differences do not prevent equality. Equality means freedom of choice, and differences lead to men and women choosing different fields of activity. Our goal is to objectively analyze the relationship between men and women, explain the history of their development, their significance and the difficulties that arise. Our goal is to develop recommendations on strategy and tactics to create more happy life that brings satisfaction to everyone. We are not going to feed you a mush of assumptions and politically charged clichés. If something looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and there is sufficient evidence that it is a duck, then we will call that “something” a duck.

The evidence presented irrefutably demonstrates that representatives of both sexes have an internal tendency towards various forms of behavior. But this does not at all mean that a certain type of behavior is obligatory in similar circumstances.

Decisive Argument: Nature vs. Nurture

Melissa gave birth to twins: a boy and a girl. She wrapped Jasmine in a pink blanket and Adam in a blue one. Relatives brought lots of soft fluffy toys for Jasmine, a toy soccer ball and a T-shirt for Adam. Everyone cooed gently, trying to talk to Jasmine, but only the women risked picking her up and cradling her in their arms. When male relatives appeared, Adam received the main attention: they talked much louder, pointed their fingers at his tummy, bothered him and suggested that a great football future awaited him.

The picture is familiar to many. However, the question arises: where are the roots of this style of behavior: in biology or in upbringing, which does not change from generation to generation? Who is responsible: nature or technique? For most of the twentieth century, the prevailing view in society was that our behavior and preferences were related primarily to social and environmental influences. However, we know that education is a secondary product - adoptive mothers, whether they are women or monkeys, do an excellent job of raising children. On the other hand, scientists have disputed this view, insisting that chemistry, biology and hormones are mainly responsible for our behavior. Since 1990, there has been indisputable evidence in favor of the scientific point of view that by the time we are born, basic programs are already loaded into the brain. The fact that men are hunters and women are educators still dictates our style of behavior, priorities and beliefs. Basic research, conducted at Harvard University, shows that we not only behave differently towards a baby - a boy or a girl, but we even use different vocabularies. We say softly to the girl: “You are my sweetie”, “You are so cute”, “What a beautiful baby”, and to the boy in a much louder voice: “Hello, how big you are!” or “Wow, how strong you are!”

At the same time, by giving a Barbie to a girl or a paratrooper as a gift, we are not programming their behavior, we are strengthening what is inherent in them by nature. Accordingly, research by scientists at Harvard University has confirmed that the distinctly different behavior of adults towards boys and girls only emphasizes the differences they already have. Push the duck towards the pond and it will swim. Look into the water and you will see webbed feet. If you were able to look into her brain, you would find a “swimming” subroutine already there. A pond is simply a place where a duck happens to be at a given time, and it is not the presence of the pond that is the cause of its behavior.

Research shows that we are not a victim of social stereotypes, but, first of all, a biologically programmed individual. We behave differently because the activity of our brain cells is organized differently. This forces us to perceive the world differently, set priorities differently and build a different scale of values. We are neither better nor worse than each other, we are different.

Guide to Human Communication Problems

This book can be likened to a guidebook that helps you understand a foreign country or culture. It explains local dialects, phrases, gestures and analyzes the reasons why the natives behave the way they do. In most cases, tourists go abroad without bothering to study local customs first, and quickly get into trouble, because local residents don't speak English, don't eat hamburgers and chips. To fully enjoy a culture that is foreign to you, you must first understand its history and evolution. Then learn basic phraseology and, for the first acquaintance, adapt to someone else’s lifestyle in order to better appreciate characteristics another culture. Having fulfilled these conditions, you will not look and act like a tourist, that is, a person who would get an equal amount of pleasure from getting to know the country without leaving home, just thinking about other lands.

This book gives advice on how to enjoy and derive pleasure from knowledge of the characteristics of the opposite sex. But first you must get an idea of ​​the history and evolution of man and woman.

One day, an American tourist visiting Windsor Castle asked: “The castle, of course, is wonderful, but why was it built so close to the airport?”

In this book you will find facts and realities of life. It is about living people, real events and conversations that actually took place. And you won’t have to struggle to learn what dendrites, the corpus callosum, neuropeptides, and imagination are based on magnetic resonance and the role of dopamine in the study of brain function. We had a hard time, but we tried to present everything as simply as possible to make it easy to read. We were dealing with a relatively young science called sociobiology, the subject of which is the dependence of behavior on genetic predisposition and the results of evolution.

You will find in the book a large number of concepts, techniques and strategies that have a scientific basis and appear at first glance obvious and quite consistent with common sense. We discarded all methods, practical examples and opinions that seemed insufficiently substantiated to us.

The subject of consideration here is the naked ape - an ape that controls the world with the help of megacomputers, capable of landing on Mars, whose ancestry can be traced back to the proto-fish. Millions of years were spent on the development of the biological individual - man, and at the same time we found ourselves in a technological, “politically consistent world”, which either does not want to take into account our biology at all, or takes it into account to a very small extent.

It took us more than a hundred million years to arrive at a society advanced enough to put man on the moon, but man himself, like his primitive ancestors, is forced to go to the toilet even on the moon. People may look quite different, being the product of different cultures, but inside, in terms of biological needs and drives, they are the same. We will show you how different behavioral characteristics are inherited and passed on from generation to generation, and you will see that there are practically no cultural differences in this process.

Now let's take a look at how our brain evolved.

1. A new term by analogy: “racist” is a supporter of discrimination based on race, “sexist” – based on gender. The Russian term “misogynist” does not accurately reflect the essence; it is better to introduce a new term.

2. Not idealistic, but precisely idyllic (approx. transl.) philosophy, proclaiming that both man and woman are one and the same. So let's immediately clarify our position on this issue. We, the authors, have created this book to help you form and improve your relationships with people of both sexes. We believe that men and women should have equal opportunities for careers in whatever field they choose, and that equally qualified people should receive equal pay for equal work.

How we set out on this path

Once upon a time, many, many years ago, men and women lived and worked happily in complete harmony with each other. Every day, a man bravely ventured out into a dangerous, hostile world, risked his life by hunting, brought food to women and children and protected them from ferocious animals and enemies. In order for him to find prey and also return home, he had to have a highly developed sense of direction, a “navigational” sense, and without an accurate eye it was impossible to hit moving prey. The description of his job requires only two words: food provider - and that's all that is required of him.

The woman felt his high value, because he risked his life taking care of his family. His success was measured by his ability to find prey, kill it, and bring it home, and self-esteem was tied to how highly a woman valued his efforts. The family depended only on him, on his function as a breadwinner and protector - and nothing more. There was no need for him to “analyze the relationship,” and no one ever thought that he could take out the trash or change the baby’s diapers.

The role of the woman was equally obvious. Nature assigned her the function of bearing children, and this determined the path of her evolution, the specialization required for the successful implementation of her role. She had to monitor her immediate surroundings in order to promptly recognize signs of impending danger, and develop a short-range “navigational” sense in order to navigate the immediate vicinity of her home. In addition, a necessary condition for a woman is the ability to notice minor changes in behavior and appearance children and adults. The division of functions is extremely simple: he is the breadwinner, she is the keeper of the nest.

The woman's entire day was devoted to caring for children, collecting fruits, vegetables and nuts, and in interaction with other women in the group. She did not have to worry about the main source of food or fight enemies, and her success was measured by her ability to maintain the normal functioning of the family in daily life. The degree of her self-esteem depended on how highly a man valued her ability to take care of children and maintain order in the house. Her ability to produce children was considered a magical, even sacred gift, since she alone held the secret of life. No one expected her to go hunting, fight enemies, or change light bulbs in a cave.

Survival was difficult, but relationships were not complicated. And this order of things persisted for hundreds of thousands of years. At the end of each day, the hunters returned with their prey. The spoils were divided equally among everyone, and everyone, together with everyone else, ate their share in the common cave. Each hunter exchanged with the woman: part of his catch for fruits and vegetables.

After eating, the men sat around the hearth, stared into the fire, played games, told stories and exchanged jokes. This was a prehistoric version of television with remote channel switching or a newspaper, which a man used to isolate himself from his surroundings. The men, tired after the hunt, regained their strength so that they could go on it again tomorrow. Women looked after the children and at the same time made sure that the man was well-fed and properly rested. Each valued the work of the other: the man was not considered lazy, and the woman did not reproach him for turning her into a servant.

This organization of life and style of behavior still exists in primitive societies in places such as Borneo, parts of Africa and Indonesia, as well as among the Australian Aborigines, New Zealand Maori, Inuit (Eskimos) in Canada and Greenland. In these cultures, everyone knows and understands their role. Men value women, and women value men. Each sees the unique contribution of the other, ensuring the survival and well-being of the family. But for the men and women who live in civilized countries, the old order has broken down. Instead, chaos, confusion and dissatisfaction reigned.

We didn't expect things to turn out this way

The survival of family members no longer depends solely on the man; A woman is no longer required to constantly maintain order in the house and raise children. For the first time in the history of humanity as a species, most men and women do not know exactly what their role is. You, the reader of this book, are part of the first generation of people to face circumstances that your ancestors never faced. For the first time in history, we are looking to our partners for love, empathy, and personal satisfaction as issues of survival have become less pressing. Modern social structure society ensures the maintenance basic level life through pension funds, social programs, consumer protection laws and various government agencies and activities. What are the new rules of life and where can you learn them? With this book we have tried to provide some answers to emerging questions.

Why can't mom and dad help?

If you were born before 1960, then you grew up in a family where the basis of the behavior of parents towards each other was the ancient rules that ensured the survival of men and women. Your parents copied the behavior that they observed from their parents, which in turn was borrowed from their parents, and so on until the cavemen with their clear distribution of life roles.

Now the rules have completely changed and your parents don’t know how to help you. The level of legally registered divorces among newlyweds has now reached 50%, and if we take into account the actual breakup of couples, including homosexual ones, then this figure has exceeded 70%. We need to learn a new set of rules to become happy and emotionally balanced in the twenty-first century.

We are still just one species of the animal kingdom

It is difficult for most people to think of themselves as just another member of the animal kingdom. They refuse to face the fact that 96% of their body contains the same elements as a pig or a horse. The only thing that sets us apart from other animals is our ability to think and plan. Other animals simply react to the situation in accordance with the genetic program embedded in the brain and learned behavioral stereotypes. They can not think, they can only to react.

Most people know and agree that animals are guided by instincts, which largely determine the nature of their behavior. Instinctive behavior is easy to recognize: birds sing, frogs croak, a dog lifts its leg against a fence, a cat plays with a mouse. These are examples of not intellectual, but instinctive behavior, so for most it is difficult to draw a parallel between such behavior and their own. They ignore even direct examples of their own instinctive behavior - for example, crying and sucking instinct.

Whatever behavioral traits we inherit from our parents, positive or negative, we are likely to pass them on to our children. In this respect we are no different from other animals. Once you learn something new, you genetically pass it on to your children in the same way that scientists can raise a generation of clever rats and a generation of stupid rats from a group divided into two subgroups based on the ability to find their way in the fog or the ability to get hopelessly lost. When we humans recognize ourselves as animals whose impulses have been honed by millions of years of evolution, it will be easier for us to understand our basic impulses, easier to come to terms with ourselves and others. And it is in this direction that the path to real happiness lies.

Chapter 2. Finding meaning

The party was in full swing when John and Sue arrived. Sue, looking into John's face, said, trying not to move her lips: “Look at that couple standing by the window...”. John started to turn his head and Sue hissed, “Not now! Don’t stare so openly!” She couldn't understand why John needed to turn around so blatantly, and John couldn't believe that Sue could see other people in the room without looking at them.

In this chapter we will try to understand the differences in sensory perception between men and women and the difficulties that arise as a result in their relationships.

Woman as a radar detector

A woman instantly understands that another woman is worried or offended; For a man to realize this, solid physical evidence is required: a stream of tears, breaking dishes or a slap in the face. Without them, he would never be able to guess what was happening. This is due to the fact that a woman, like most female mammals, is armed with sensory perception with a much finer tuning than that of men. This ability is necessary for a woman - the keeper of children and the hearth - to capture the smallest changes in the mood and relationships of other people. What is known as “female intuition” is actually a heightened ability to notice the smallest details and changes in the appearance and behavior of others. This ability has amazed men who have been around throughout history, and they have invariably been caught using it.

One of the participants in our seminar stated that his wife’s vision becomes incomprehensibly sharp when he needs to hide something, but if he needs to back the car into the garage, then for some reason she becomes nearsighted. Estimating the distance between the car bumper and the garage wall while driving relates to the area of ​​spatial orientation, which is controlled by the frontal part of the right hemisphere of the brain. Spatial orientation in most women is poorly developed. We will discuss this in more detail in chapter five.

From fifty meters my wife can see a blonde hair on my coat, but when driving the car into the garage, she will definitely catch it on the door.

The nest keeper, who ensures the survival of the family, cannot be different. She should notice subtle changes in the behavior of her offspring that may signal pain, hunger, injury, aggression or depression. Men, the breadwinners, never stayed in the cave long enough to learn wordless signaling or alternative methods of interpersonal communication. Neuropsychologist Professor Ruben Gur from the University of Pennsylvania conducted research using brain scans. He found that in a resting man, electrical activity drops by at least 70%. A scan of the woman's brain in the same state of rest showed only a 10 percent drop in activity, which confirms an important fact: the woman continuously receives and analyzes information coming from the environment. A woman knows who is friends with her child, is aware of his hopes, dreams, romances, hidden fears, guesses what he is thinking about, what he is feeling and what tricks he is up to. The man is vaguely aware that in the house, besides him, there are some other small people.

Eyes

The eye is an extension of the brain located on the surface of the head. The back of the eyeball contains about 130 million rod-shaped cells called photoreceptors. Photoreceptors provide black and white images. There are also seven million conical cells that perceive color. The source of conical color cells is the X chromosome. A woman has two X chromosomes, which results in her having more cone cells compared to a man. This difference is reflected in the amount of detail used to describe the color scheme. Men usually talk about the basic elements of the spectrum: red, blue, green. Women tend to use terms such as ivory, sea green, mauve, and apple green.

Human eyes have prominent whites that other primates lack. The presence of proteins allows you to monitor eye movement and gaze direction, which is an essential element in face-to-face communication. There is more white in a woman's eye than a man's, since close, face-to-face communication is an integral part of connections between women, and the larger area of ​​the white of the eye expands the capabilities of both sending and receiving a signal. At larger area It is easier for a squirrel to understand what its gaze is focused on.

This kind of exchange of information through glances is not essential for most other primates, and therefore in them the protein is either hidden or a very small area of ​​it is visible. They use involuntary gestures and facial expressions as the main means of communication.

Does she have eyes in the back of her head?

Maybe not in the literal sense, but there is something close to it. Women not only have more conical cells in the eye shell, but also wider peripheral vision compared to men. As a nest keeper, she has a program embedded in her brain that allows her to clearly see a sector of at least 45 degrees on each side of her head, that is, right and left, as well as up and down. Many women's effective peripheral vision reaches a full 180 degrees. A man's eyes are larger than a woman's and his brain gives him "tunnel" vision, which means he can see clearly straight ahead, but at a great distance, so his eyes can be likened to binoculars.

A man, as a hunter, needs to catch the target with his eye and not let it out of sight, and at a fairly long distance. His vision evolved to an almost limited vision as nothing had to distract him from his goal. At the same time, the woman had to have a wide field of vision in order to immediately see the snake entering the nest. That is why a modern man can easily find a remote pub located “out there somewhere”, but cannot find an item in a closet, chest of drawers or refrigerator.

In 1997, 4,132 children were killed or injured in the UK while crossing streets, including 2,460 boys and 1,672 girls. In Australia, twice as many boys as girls die on the roads. Boys are more likely to take risks when crossing than girls, which, combined with their narrower field of peripheral vision, leads to increased injury among them.

Why do women's eyes see so much?

Billions of photons of light, transmitting information equal to 100 megabytes of computer memory, fall every second onto the shell of the human eye. The brain is unable to process such a large amount of data, and therefore it edits the information, selecting only what is needed for survival. For example, having received information about all the colors of the sky, our brain selects only one color that we need to see - blue. The brain narrows our field of view so that we can focus on a specific task. If we are looking for a needle on a carpet, our field of vision narrows sharply. A man's brain, programmed to hunt, provides a narrow field of vision. The female brain deciphers information from a wider sector towards the periphery, since she had to monitor the nest.

Questionable case of missing oil

David: Where's the butter?
Yana: In the refrigerator.
David: I'm looking in the refrigerator now, but there's no oil in there.
Yana: It’s there - I put it there ten minutes ago.
David: No, you must have put it somewhere else. There is no oil in the refrigerator. It is clear.

After these words, Yana enters the kitchen, puts her hand into the refrigerator and, like a magician, a stick of butter appears in her hand. An inexperienced man sometimes feels as if a joke is being made on him, and he accuses the woman of always hiding things from him in closets and chests of drawers. Socks, shoes, underwear, jam, butter, car keys, wallets - they are all lying there, the man simply cannot see them. Having a large viewing sector, a woman can look at most of the space in the refrigerator without moving her head. The man moves his eyes left and right and up and down, as if scanning the space in search of a “disappeared” object.

The biological characteristics of men's and women's vision lead to important consequences in our lives. Statistics from insurance companies show, for example, that female drivers are less likely than male drivers to be involved in side-impact accidents at road junctions. Clearer peripheral vision allows her to notice a car approaching from the side in time. It is much more likely that she will hit an obstacle with her car when parallel parking, since she has a poorly developed sense of space.

A woman will spend much less stress if she understands a man’s problems associated with his visual characteristics. And a man will have less reason to be nervous if, after a woman says, “This thing is in the closet!” he will believe her and continue his search.

A man and a lustful look

It is because of their better peripheral vision that women are rarely caught looking at a man.

Almost every man has been accused of gazing lustfully at someone of the opposite sex at one time or another, but women are almost never accused of this. Gender scientists unanimously agree that women stare at men just as often as men stare at women, or even more often, but are rarely caught doing so due to their excellent peripheral vision.

Seeing is believing

Most people don't believe something until they see the proof with their own eyes - but can you trust your eyes? Millions believe in UFOs, despite the fact that 90% of UFO sightings occur in remote rural areas on a Saturday evening around eleven o'clock just after most pubs close. There has never been a UFO sighting by a President or Prime Minister, never a UFO has landed near a university, government research laboratory or near the White House. Never in bad weather.

Wanting to demonstrate how our perception of different things in the same picture can be, scientist Edward Boring gives the following example. Women are likely to see an old woman with her chin tucked into the fur collar of her coat, while men are likely to see the profile of a young woman looking to the left.

What do you see?

Rice. Above is another illustration showing that what you perceive is not necessarily what you see.

When you look at this picture, your brain is tricked into thinking that the far side of the table is longer than the near side. A woman is usually amazed when she is told about this, and a man demands proof and grabs a ruler.

​When looking at another drawing, your brain focuses on dark fields that look strange geometric shapes. If you approach the drawing differently and concentrate your attention on the white fields, then the word FLY (fly) will appear in front of you. A woman is more likely to recognize a word than a man because his brain is fascinated by geometric shapes.

Why men drive better at night

Although women can see in the dark better than men In particular, in the light of the red end of the spectrum, a man's eyes are better adapted to tracking a distant object in a narrow field. This gives him much better - and therefore safer driving - long-range night vision. In combination with a spatial eye, for which it is responsible right hemisphere brain, such vision allows a man to highlight and identify the movement of other cars on the road, both in front and behind. Many women experience some form of night blindness: the inability to discern which side of the road oncoming traffic is moving on. A man's vision is perfectly adapted to solve such a problem. Practical conclusion: When alternating behind the wheel on a long trip, give the woman a day and the man a night. Women see more small details at night than men, but in a close, wide field.

On a long journey, men should drive at night, and women during the day.

Men experience much more eye fatigue than women because their vision is designed for distance viewing and must constantly refocus on a computer screen or newspaper text. A woman's eyes are better suited for close-up vision, which allows her to work on fine details for much longer. In addition, her brain programming provides much better coordinated motor skills in a limited, close area, which means a woman is superior when it comes to threading a needle or identifying small details on a computer screen.

Why women have a "sixth sense"

For several centuries, women were burned at the stake for “supernatural abilities.” These included the ability to predict the outcome of relationships, identify a liar, talk to animals and guess what really happened.

In 1978, we conducted an experiment for a television program to illustrate a woman's ability to recognize information conveyed only by a child's facial expressions. In a maternity hospital, we played several ten-second clips of crying babies and asked mothers to watch them with the sound off. Consequently, mothers received information only visually.

In most cases, mothers were able to quickly identify a wide range of emotions displayed on the screen: from hunger and pain to discomfort and fatigue. When the same test was administered to fathers, the results were dismal—less than 10% of fathers were able to name more than two emotions. And even in these cases, it seems to us, they were mostly blind guesses. Many fathers joyfully reported: “The child wants to go to his mother.” Most men had little or no ability to decipher observed differences in a baby's cry. The tests were also given to the older generation to see if age had an effect on the results. Most grandmothers achieved a level of 50-70% compared to mothers, while many grandfathers could not even identify their own grandchildren!

Our study of identical twins showed that most grandparents were unable to tell one twin from the other, but the female side of the family tended to cope with this task. Movies about twins fooling others in pursuit of money or love can only reflect reality if the twins are women: men are easier to deceive in such circumstances. In a room with fifty couples, ten minutes is enough for a woman to analyze the relationship in each couple. When a woman enters a room, her psychic abilities allow her to instantly determine which couples are in complete harmony with each other, who is in a quarrel, who wants to get closer to whom, and where the female rivals or women who are friendly to her are located. When a man enters the room, our cameras show something completely different. The man scans the room, registering entrances and exits: his atavistic mind assesses possible threats and escape routes. It then looks for familiar faces and those of potential enemies, and then scans the general geography of the place. His logical mind registers what needs to be corrected or repaired, for example, a broken glass or a burnt out light bulb. Meanwhile, the woman has already gone through all the faces and knows who, what and how - who is who, what is what and how everyone present feels.

Why men can't lie to women

Our research on body language - involuntary facial expressions and gestures - during face-to-face communication showed that the perception of the message is due to wordless signals by 60-80%, due to tonality - by 20-30%. The remaining 7–10% of information is perceived from the words themselves. A woman’s excellent receptivity gives her the ability to pick up and analyze information, and the brain’s ability to quickly exchange information between the hemispheres allows her to instantly compare and decipher verbal, visual and all other signals.

This is why it is very difficult for men to lie to a woman face to face. But, as most women know, lying to a man while facing him is quite easy because he is not sensitive enough to recognize the discrepancy between the information contained in the face. oral speech and in other signals. As a rule, it is impossible to catch a woman faking an orgasm rather than actually experiencing it. For most men who are about to lie, the best way to do it is over the phone, in a letter, or in a dark room with the blanket pulled over your head.

Our ears

In the prehistoric past, our ears looked the same as the ears of a dog or horse. A dog's ears, which now have the same shape as ours used to have, perceive sound in an ultrasonic region inaccessible to us. Research shows that dogs' ears detect sound that has a frequency of up to 50,000 vibrations per second, and in some cases up to 100,000 vibrations per second. A child hears sound with a frequency of up to 30,000 vibrations per second, but in a teenager (up to twenty years old) the sensitivity decreases to 20,000 vibrations per second, and by the age of sixty - to 12,000 vibrations per second. Cool stereo equipment produces a signal with a frequency of up to 25,000 vibrations per second, which means that for your parents, buying a more advanced stereo system will be a waste of money - more wide range they will not hear any sounds.

The human ear contains remnants of nine muscles, and about 20% of people can move their ears with their help. Apparently, our ears lost mobility because people turned their heads in the direction of the sound source, and the edges formed a fold to eliminate sound distortion. Charles Darwin found a tubercle in the upper fold of the human ear and suggested that it was the remnant of the tip of our pointed ear. The tubercle is called “Darwin's point”.

She also hears better

Women hear better than men and are excellent at distinguishing sounds in the high frequency range. A woman’s brain is programmed to hear a child’s cry, but a man may not hear it at night and sleep as if nothing had happened. If a kitten starts meowing in the distance, a woman will hear it. However, it is the man with his excellent orientation in space who will tell where he is.

A steady drip from a leaking kitchen faucet can drive a woman crazy, while a man continues to sleep peacefully.

A week after birth, the girl can identify the sound of her mother's voice and distinguish the baby's cry from other sounds in the room. Boys at the same age cannot do this. The female brain has the ability to separate sounds, classify them into different categories and make decisions regarding each of them. As a result, a woman can carry on a conversation face to face without missing a word from the people standing next to her. Accordingly, it becomes clear why a man cannot follow a conversation when the TV is on or against the background of the clatter of dishes in the sink. When the phone rings, the man demands that they turn down the music, turn off the TV, and be quiet while he talks on the phone. The woman is talking, not paying attention to the noise.

A woman can read between the lines

Women are highly sensitive to changes in the tone and volume of the voice, which gives them the ability to immediately notice changes in emotions in children and adults. As a result, for every man who can sing along and hit the right tone, there are eight women who are not mistaken in such cases. The famous female phrase “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone!” in a dispute with men and boys is partly due to this feature of women. Most males have no idea what she means by this.

Tests have shown that female infants are twice as likely to respond to loud noises compared to male infants. This feature explains why girls are more easily soothed than boys by lisping at high frequencies, and why mothers instinctively sing a lullaby to girls while talking or playing with a boy. Women's keen hearing makes a significant contribution to what is called "female intuition." Her hearing is one of the reasons why women guess the hidden meaning of a spoken phrase (read between the lines). However, men should not despair. They perfectly distinguish and identify the sounds made by animals, which in ancient times served them as a good help in hunting. Unfortunately, in the modern world this ability is of little use.

A man can “hear” direction

Women are better at recognizing sounds, but men can identify where they are coming from. Combined with the ability to identify and imitate animal sounds, this skill makes men excellent hunters. How does sound turn into a geographical map in the brain? Professor Konishi from the California Institute of Technology found the answer to some questions in this regard, using experiments with owls - birds that better than man determine the source of the sound. Make a sound and the owl will turn its head to face him. Konishi identified a group of cells in the region of the brain responsible for hearing that determined the exact location of the sound source. The source produced a sound that reached each owl's ear in a different time, differing by 200 millionths of a second. This time shift allows the owl's brain to form a three-dimensional spatial map of the source of the sound. The owl turns its head towards the sound, which gives it the opportunity to determine whether it is prey or danger. Apparently, the mechanism of a similar ability in men is of the same nature.

Why don't boys listen

Teachers and parents often scold boys for not listening to what they are told. But as boys grow, especially on the eve of puberty, their auditory canals undergo rapid growth, which may result in a temporary form of deafness. It was found that teachers reprimand girls and boys differently, apparently intuitively guessing the differences in the auditory perception of boys and girls.

If a girl does not want to look into the eyes of the person who is scolding her, the teacher usually continues the lecture. If a boy does not want to look her in the eyes, then many teachers intuitively feel that he either does not hear or does not listen to the words that are spoken to him. In such cases, the teacher interrupts the lecture and says: “Look me in the eyes when I speak.” Unfortunately, boys are better at seeing than listening. To demonstrate this to you, we ask you to test-count the number of “n”s in the highlighted text.

The completion of the case is the result of many years of scientific research.

Boys count letters better than girls and talk about the five “n”s faster. If this statement is read out loud, girls quickly and accurately determine the number of “n” sounds in the text.

Men don't pay attention to details

Lyn and Chris are driving home after a party - he drives, she tells them where to go. They argue because she told him to turn left, meaning he should go right. Nine minutes of silence, and he begins to suspect that something is wrong. “Honey… everything is fine, isn’t it?” - asks Chris. “Yes,” Lin replies, “everything is fine!”

The emphasis on “wonderful” confirms that things are far from great. He remembers what happened at the party. “Maybe I did something wrong?” - asks Chris. "I do not want to talk about it!" – Lin cuts him off.

This means that she is angry and does not want to discuss what happened. Meanwhile, he cannot understand what he did that was reprehensible, which is why she was so angry. “Please tell me: what did I do? - he prays. - I don't know!"

In most cases like this, the man is telling the honest truth: he doesn’t understand what happened. “Okay,” Lin agrees, “I’ll tell you what’s the matter, even though you’re playing a comedy in front of me!” But this is not pretense. He quite sincerely does not understand what we are talking about. She takes a deep breath: “This slut stuck to you all evening, showed that she was ready for anything immediately, and you didn’t turn her off - you encouraged her advances!”

Now Chris is completely perplexed: what slut? what advances? how did you show it? He didn't see anything. Indeed, while this “slut” was talking to him (that’s what women say, a man would say “sexy young woman”), he did not notice that she was standing in a special position, sticking out her lower abdomen and sticking out her leg pointing at him, fiddling with her hair and earlobe, looked at him with a long, languid gaze, gently stroked the stem of the glass and spoke coyly, imitating a schoolgirl. He is a hunter. He can spot an antelope that has just appeared on the horizon and immediately determine how fast it is moving. He does not have the female ability to immediately analyze visual (involuntary facial expressions and gestures) and audio signals that indicate certain intentions. Every woman at the party saw, without even moving her head, what the “slut” was doing. The telepathic signal “female looking for a partner” was received by all the women gathered in the room. Most of the men didn't notice anything.

Therefore, the man’s statement that he did not suspect anything of the kind is most often the pure truth. Men's brains are not designed to see or hear details.

The magic of touch

With touch you can breathe life. Long-standing studies by Harlow and Zimmerman on monkeys showed that little touching of newborn monkeys leads to depression, illness and premature death. Similar results were obtained when examining abandoned children. The results of the examination of children aged ten weeks to six months are very impressive. It was found that mothers who were taught to regularly stroke their children had babies much less likely to get colds and diarrhea, and vomit less often compared to the children of those mothers who did not stroke their children. Another study found that women who became neurotic or depressed bounced back faster in direct proportion to the number of times they were hugged and the duration of the hug. Anthropologist James Prescott, the first scientist to draw attention to the connection between the raising of young children and violence, found that in societies where children are rarely petted, there is significantly more high level violence among adults. Children raised with affection grow into healthier and happier adults. Sexual predators and child molesters usually have a background characterized by loneliness, violence, and lack of affection. It often happens that their childhood was spent in state educational institutions. In many cultures that do not practice direct affection, families usually have cats and dogs who allow themselves to be touched and petted. Animal-assisted therapy is considered an excellent tool for overcoming depression and other neurological problems. See how the British, famous for their aversion to touching, love their pets. As Germaine Greer said of them: “Even when squeezed next to his brother on the tube, the average Englishman desperately pretends that he is alone.”

Women are very sensitive to touch

The skin is the largest organ of the body, measuring about two square meters. There are 2,800,000 pain receptors, 200,000 cold receptors, and 500,000 touch and pressure receptors distributed unevenly across this surface. From birth, girls are much more sensitive to touch, and as adults, women's skin is approximately ten times more sensitive to touch than men's skin. One authoritative study found that the boys who took part in the tests and showed the greatest skin sensitivity had less sensitivity than the most insensitive girls. Women's skin is thinner than men's and has an additional layer in the form of a fatty lining. This layer serves as thermal protection in winter and provides women with greater stamina than men.

Oxytocin is a hormone that stimulates the desire to touch and energizes the receptors that respond to touch. It is not surprising that women, who have these receptors ten times more sensitive than men, give such great importance hugs of men, girlfriends and children. Studies of involuntary facial expressions and gestures show that a European woman is six times more likely to touch her interlocutor during a conversation than a man is to touch his interlocutor. Women use a wider range of expressive touch than men, describing a successful man as having a “magical” touch and describing others as “thick-skinned” or “thin-skinned.” Women love to use expressions such as "let's touch" (literal translation from English expression, which in Russian corresponds to the expression “we will keep in touch”), and they do not like those who “go straight into the skin.” They talk about “feelings,” are “hard to touch,” and, wanting to upset someone, “stroking the wrong way.”

The likelihood of a woman touching a woman during small talk is four to six times higher than the likelihood of a man touching his interlocutor in similar circumstances.

Psychiatric research shows that under stress, men avoid touch, withdrawing into themselves. On the other hand, more than half of the women in the same test sought out a man not for sex, but for intimate touch. When a woman is emotionally disturbed or angry, she usually responds with, “Don't touch me!” - a phrase that has little meaning for a man. Lesson? To score points with a woman, use small touches often, but try not to grope her. To raise mentally healthy children, hug, cuddle, and rock them often.

Why are men so thick-skinned?

Men have thicker skin than women, which explains why women have more wrinkles than men. On a man's back, the skin is four times thicker than on his stomach - a legacy of the times when he stood on four legs and the skin provided at least some protection for his back. By the time a teenager reaches puberty, he almost completely loses sensitivity to touch: his body begins to prepare for the adversity of hunting. The man needed insensitive skin so that he could push through the thorny bushes without stopping and fight the beast - the pain should not distract him or slow down his movement. A man engrossed in work or playing physically demanding sports may not notice that he is injured.

In fact, the boy does not lose skin sensitivity: it is simply concentrated in one area.

If a man is not focused on a task, his pain threshold is lower than a woman's. When a man moans, “Make me some chicken soup, get me some fresh orange juice, get me a bottle of hot water, call the doctor and make sure my will is in order!” - this means that his head ache slightly. A man is less sensitive to other people’s pain or discomfort: a woman is doubled over in pain, she has a temperature of forty degrees, she is shaking with chills under three blankets, and he asks: “Are you okay, dear?”, while thinking: “If you don’t pay attention to this is attention, maybe we can have sex, since she’s lying in bed anyway.”

However, in moments of empathy at a football match or other competition associated with aggression, a man does not lose sensitivity. Watching a boxing match on TV and seeing a boxer get hit with a painful blow below the belt, a woman will say, “Ooh, that must hurt,” and a man will groan, bend over as if he had been hit himself, and actually in fact will feel pain.

Taste for life ​ neither

Women's senses of smell and taste are superior to men's. We have about 10,000 taste receptors, allowing us to detect at least four basic tastes: sweet and salty - receptors on the tip of the tongue; sour – receptors on the lateral surface of the tongue; and bitter - on the back of the tongue. Japanese scientists are currently conducting experiments to identify the fifth taste - the taste of fat. Men score higher when it comes to salty and bitter, which is why they love beer, and women outperform them when it comes to sweet, which is why there are so many chocolate lovers in the world. As the keeper of the nest and the gatherer of fruits, tasting them before bringing them to her offspring, a woman had to develop a sense of sweet taste, allowing her to determine the degree of ripeness of the fruit. This circumstance explains why women love candied sweets and why most tasters are women.

Something smells

A woman’s sensitivity to odors is not only higher than a man’s, but it also becomes more acute every month during the period of ovulation. Her nose can detect the presence of pheromones (a sex attractant) and musky odors associated with a man, which cannot be consciously identified. Her brain can decipher the state of a man's immune system and, if necessary, her own. A woman may claim that a man is attractive or has a “strange magnetism.” If her immune system is stronger than a certain man's, she is likely to find him less attractive.

A man may appear "strangely attractive" due to a strong immune system.

Brain scientists have found that women's brains can analyze these differences in the immune system within three seconds of encountering them. A strong immune system inherited from your parents increases your chances of survival. Additionally, a by-product of all this research was the development of a number of oils and lotions that were marketed for men. Perhaps they contain the secret of a phenomenon known as an instantly “flashed” feeling that makes a woman exhausted with desire.

X-files (secret knowledge)

Evolution has equipped us with the biology and senses we need to survive. What was often called witchcraft, supernatural power and female intuition was explored and measured by science in the eighties and ultimately boils down to the superiority of the female apparatus sensory perception. Men who did not understand the biological difference between women and men called the woman a witch and sentenced her to death. And women are simply better at capturing the nuances of involuntary facial expressions and gestures, sound halftones and other signals. The modern woman still remains a victim of her abilities and often resorts to the help of astrologers, card fortune tellers and other scoundrels of all kinds who offer to explain to a woman what she already knows intuitively in exchange for money earned through hard work. A woman's refined sensory apparatus makes a significant contribution to her earlier maturation. By the age of seventeen, most girls are already adults, while boys are still throwing flip-flops in the pool and laughing, making obscene noises.

Why are men called insensitive?

It would be more accurate to say that the hypersensitivity of a woman compared to a man is not due to her original superiority, but to the fact that the sensitivity of a man was muted during evolution. In the female world of a high level of perception, she a priori believes that the man perceives her verbal, sound and facial signals, anticipates her desires, as happens with any other woman. Evolution, as we have shown, made him different. A woman thinks that a man knows her desires and needs. When he does not perceive her signals, she accuses him: “You are insensitive - I made you understand!” The man mumbles in response: “Do you think I can read your mind?” Research shows that men are poor mind readers. However, the good news is that most of them can learn to perceive verbal and facial cues through training.

The next chapter is a unique test that will reveal your brain's sexual orientation and explain why you are the way you are.

Chapter 3. It's all in the mind

These comic maps of the human brain are funny only because they are plausible. But how much? I assure you, much more so than you think. In this chapter we will report on striking discoveries that have recently been made in brain research.

This chapter will really open your eyes, and at the end we've included a simple but great test that will show you why your brain functions the way it does.

Why are we more agile than others?

Take a look at the pictures below and you will notice the striking differences between a gorilla, a Neanderthal and modern man. First of all, our brain is three times larger than the brain of a gorilla and a third larger than the brain of our primitive ancestor. Studies of brain tissue have shown that it has hardly changed over the past fifty thousand years. Second, we have a prominent forehead that our primate ancestors and cousins ​​lacked. The front part of the brain contains the left and right frontal lobes, which are responsible for many of our unique abilities, such as thinking, reading road maps, and speaking. These abilities make us superior to all other animals.

The male brain and the female brain have evolved at different rates, towards different talents and abilities. Men responsible for hunting developed brain regions responsible for long-range navigation, the tactical prowess needed to kill prey, and a refined ability to hit a target. They did not require the art of conversation or the ability to perceive the emotional needs of others, so the areas of the brain responsible for interpersonal contacts did not receive significant development. Women, unlike them, had to adapt to navigation on short distances, master a wide peripheral vision to monitor one's surroundings, the ability to multitask, and effective communication skills. Due to the differences in the demands made by men and women, special areas were developed that were responsible for each individual type of activity.

To use a Newspeak term, ancient society was sexist, but we will return to this point.

How our brain defends its territory

“Old habits die hard,” they used to say in the old days. “Genetic memory is alive and active,” say modern scientists. Genetic memory is part of our instinctive behavior. Naturally, it cannot be otherwise if you have spent thousands of years sitting in a cave facing the entrance to monitor the environment, defending your territory and solving billions of problems in order to survive. Look at the crowd in the restaurant. Most men prefer to sit with their backs to the wall, keeping the entrance to the hall in sight. This position makes them feel safe and alert. No one can slip behind his back unnoticed, although these days nothing threatens him more than a huge bill. On the other hand, women are indifferent whether their back is turned to an open space or not, except when the woman is alone with children. In such a situation, she will also take a place near the wall.

At home, the man also shows signs of instinctive behavior by occupying the side of the bed closest to the door - a symbolic act associated with the need to guard the entrance to the cave. If a couple has moved to a new house or stayed in a hotel where the woman is on the side of the bed closest to the door, the man may feel restless and even have difficulty falling asleep without understanding why. A change of location - closer to the door - can often calm him down.

Men joke that they lie down closer to the door in the new family home after marriage, in order to be able to escape - in fact, they show the instinct of protecting the family.

When a man is away, a woman instinctively takes on the duties of a protector and lies down on the side of the bed where her husband usually sleeps. At night, a woman, no matter how deep her sleep, can immediately wake up hearing a high-pitched sound similar to the voice of a child. Men continue to snore as if nothing had happened, and women are very upset by this. But his brain is tuned to sounds associated with movement, and he is likely to instantly wake up, ready to repel an attack, just because a twig snapped outside the window. This time it is the woman who continues to sleep, except when a man is not around and her brain is programmed to be defensive, to register any sound or movement that threatens her nest.

The area of ​​the brain responsible for success

The Greek philosopher Aristotle believed that the center of thought is the heart, and the brain helps cool the body. This is why we still associate emotions with the heart. You may think this is funny, but back in the late nineteenth century, many scientists adhered to this point of view.

In 1962, Roger Sperry received the Nobel Prize for deciphering the functions of the cortex of the two hemispheres of the brain, which act separately. Modern technology allows us to see how the brain works, but a truly in-depth understanding of its functioning is still a long way off. We know that the right hemisphere, responsible for creativity, controls the left side of the body, and the left hemisphere, responsible for logic, reasoning and speech, controls the right side of the body. In men in particular, the left side of the brain houses language and vocabulary, while the right side stores visual information. Left-handers operate more on the right side of the brain, which is responsible for creativity. This is why there is such a disproportionate number of left-handers among creative geniuses, including Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, Greta Garbo, Robert De Niro and Paul McCartney.

Tests show that the degree of mental talent in women is 3% higher than in men.

Until the sixties, most data about the human brain came from soldiers killed on the battlefield—and this material was always available in abundance. The disadvantage of this material was that the vast majority of it was represented by the brains of men, as a result of which the opinion categorically prevailed that the female brain functions in the same way as the male brain.

To date, recent studies have shown that the functioning of the female brain has significant differences from the action of the male brain. This is the root of the problems that arise in relationships between the sexes. The female brain is slightly smaller than the male brain, but research data suggests that this does not affect the functioning of a woman’s brain. In 1997, Danish scientist Berthe Pakkenberg of the Department of Neurology at Copenhagen Municipal Hospital demonstrated that men's brains contain on average four million more brain cells than women's, but overall women test 3% more intelligent than men.

Where is it in the brain?

This is the generally accepted view of which half of the brain controls which function.

Although the amount of research and our understanding of the functioning of the human brain increases dramatically every day, the results are interpreted differently. But there are a few areas where scientists are unanimous. The use of magnetic resonance, which measures electrical activity brain, makes it possible in our time to identify and measure the exact location of many specific functions in the brain. Using brain scanning equipment, we can see which part of the brain is involved in solving a particular problem. When a brain scan map of an individual indicates the existence of a specific area that controls a particular activity or function, this means that this person, as a rule, performs this type of work very well, enjoys this activity, that is, strives to load up this area of ​​the brain.

For example, most men have a specific area that controls their sense of direction, so they find their way around easily. They enjoy planning trips and romantically reminisce about adventures that allowed them to use their abilities in the field of navigation and orientation. For women, a special area is responsible for speech - and they speak well, easily and quickly; they often choose as a profession activities related to taking advantage of good speech proficiency, such as medicine, advocacy, teaching. If there is no special area in the brain associated with a certain type of activity, a person is usually not naturally inclined towards it and does not experience pleasure from the corresponding activities. This is why you will rarely find a female navigator or learn good English from a male teacher.

Where did they start studying the brain?

The first recorded study of brain differences between men and women was conducted by Francis Gatton in 1882. He found that men were more likely to produce loud noises, such as high-pitched squeals, a stronger handshake, and less sensitivity to pain. At the same time, in the United States, a similar study found that men prefer red to blue, have a large vocabulary and prefer to solve technical rather than domestic problems. Women have sharper hearing, use more words in conversation, and prefer to do work or solve individual problems.

Each study that looked for regions responsible for specific functions involved a patient who had suffered brain damage. It turned out that men with damage to the left side of the brain almost completely lost speech and their vocabulary was noticeably impoverished, while women with the same damage did not lose speech to the same extent, which indicated the existence of more than one speech center in women. Men were three to four times more likely to lose or have difficulty speaking than women, and were much less likely to regain it. If a man received an injury to the left side of his head, he could remain mute. If a woman was injured in the same place, she most often continued to speak.

A man with an injury to the right side of his brain lost virtually all spatial awareness and the ability to imagine an object in three dimensions and rotate it in his brain to view it from different angles. For example, a woman’s brain sees the architectural plan of a house as flat, while a man’s brain sees it as three-dimensional, which means a man can see depth. Most men immediately imagine what the building will look like after construction is completed. Women with injuries to the right side of the brain in the same place did not suffer from any changes in their spatial imagination.

Doreen Kimura, a professor of psychology at the University of Ontario, found that speech impairment in men occurs after damage to only the left side of the brain, and speech impairment in women occurs after damage to the frontal lobe of both hemispheres together. Stuttering is a speech impediment affecting mostly men, and in stuttering classes there are three to four boys for every girl. Simply put, when it comes to speech and conversation, men's abilities are limited. Most women will not be surprised by this result. History shows that a man's lack of ability and desire to carry on a conversation has caused women to tear their hair out for thousands of years.

How the brain is analyzed

Since the early 1990s, brain scanning equipment has advanced to such an extent that it has become possible to see your brain in action on a television screen using positron emission tomography and magnetic resonance imaging. Markus Reichl of the University of Washington School of Medicine measured specific areas of increased metabolism in the brain to identify the areas responsible for certain types activities that are shown in the figure.

At Yale University, a team of scientists led by Dr. Bennett and Sally Shaywitz conducted a study giving tests to men and women to determine which part of the brain is involved in rhyming. Using magnetic resonance imaging techniques to record small changes in blood flow to different parts of the brain, they confirmed that in such cases, men use predominantly the left half of the brain responsible for speech, while women use both the right and left half. These experiments, like many others conducted in the nineties, yielded the same results: the brains of men and women function differently.

Ask a man and a woman: do their brains work differently? The man will say: I think so, I read something about it on the Internet a few days ago. The woman will answer: of course, yes - the next question?

Research has also shown that the left side of a girl's brain develops faster than a boy's, resulting in a girl speaking earlier and better than her brother, reading earlier and learning more quickly. foreign language. In addition, this explains the fact that mostly boys are treated by speech pathology specialists. Boys, however, develop more quickly on the right side of the brain, which provides them with better spatial and logical thinking, as well as better perception. Boys are superior to girls in mathematics, construction, puzzle solving, and other problems, and they hone these abilities earlier than girls.

It may be fashionable now to believe that differences between the sexes are minimal and do not play a significant role, but the facts refute this point of view. Unfortunately, we now live in a society that insists that we are all the same, despite mountains of evidence that we are programmed differently and have evolved to develop vastly different abilities and tendencies.

Why do women have better nerve connections?

The right and left sides of the brain are connected by a bundle of nerves called the corpus callosum. This cable allows one side of the brain to communicate with the other and allows the two hemispheres to exchange information.

Try to imagine that you have two computers on your shoulders, connected by a cable. This cable is the corpus callosum.

Neuroscientist Roger Gorsky of the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that women have a thicker corpus callosum than men, and women have 30% more connections between the left and right sides of the brain. He also proved that men and women use different hemispheres of the brain when working on the same task. Since then, these findings have been confirmed by studies by other scientists.

Research has found that the female hormone estrogen promotes the formation of more connections between the two hemispheres. More connections have been found to result in more fluent speech. This feature also explains a woman’s ability to conduct several unrelated affairs, and is also partly responsible for women’s intuition. As we have already discussed, a woman owns more complete set sensory sensors, and, given the multi-channel neural connections between the hemispheres, it becomes clear how a woman can make such quick and accurate judgments about people and situations at the level of intuition.

Why men can only do one thing

All available research data confirms that the male brain is specialized. Divided into departments. Its configuration promotes concentration on one single task at a time, which most men claim to be able to do just one thing at this time. When a man stops his car to check the road map, what is the first thing he does? Turn off the radio! Most women don't understand why he does this. She can read and at the same time listen and speak, why shouldn’t he do the same. Why does he demand to turn off the TV when the phone rings? “Why can’t he hear what I say to him when he’s reading the newspaper or watching a TV show?” - Almost every woman has once expressed such a complaint. The answer is that the configuration of a man's brain does not allow him to multitask due to the small number of nerve connections between the left and right hemispheres, due to the fact that the man's brain is divided into sections. Scan his brain while he reads and you will see that he is practically deaf.

A woman's brain is programmed to manage several things at once. She can do several unrelated things at once, and her brain never turns off. She can talk on the phone while preparing a new recipe while looking at the TV. She can drive a car, put on makeup and listen to the radio at the same time while still talking on the phone. mobile phone. If you talk to a man while he is preparing a new recipe, he will most likely become angry because he cannot both listen and follow the instructions in the recipe. Talking to a man while shaving increases the likelihood that he will cut himself. Most women have had to listen to accusations that a man missed a turn in the road because of her chatter. One woman said that, angry with her husband, she took revenge on him by starting a conversation at the moment when he was hammering a nail!

Because women use both sides of the brain, many of them confuse the right and left sides. About 50% of women cannot instantly tell which hand is right and which is left, and determine this by a ring or other sign. Men, by contrast, operate on either the right or left side of the brain, and it is easier for them to distinguish their right hand from their left. That's why men all over the world scold women for telling them to turn right when they meant left.

Toothbrush test

Test yourself with this test - using a toothbrush. Most women can brush their teeth on the go without interrupting a conversation. They can move the toothbrush up and down while wiping the table with a circular motion with the other hand. Most men will find such a task difficult or impossible to complete. When a man brushes his teeth, his brain is focused on one task. All of them, as a rule, stand slightly bent over the sink, their legs are spaced 30 centimeters apart, their heads move up and down in time with the movement of the brush.

Why are we the way we are?

While we raise boys and girls as if they are exactly the same, science has proven that they are strikingly different from each other in the way they think. Neurologists and brain scientists have universally concluded that we are who we are because of hormones.

We are who we are thanks to hormones. We are all products of our chemical reactions.

Throughout the outgoing twentieth century, the prevailing opinion was that we are born with a virgin mind, and our parents, teachers and environment dictate our preferences and choices. Recent studies of the brain and the features of its development have now revealed the fact that our brain is formed like a computer within 6-8 weeks after conception. Our basic “operating system” is already installed, and several programs are loaded into it, so by the time we are born, our brain is already loaded, like a computer, with a set of both basic and supporting programs.

The scientists also showed that the underlying operating system and its configuration leave little room for change. Our environment and our teachers can only add data and install only compatible programs.

Until now, there was virtually no “How to” guide. This means that by the time we are born, our future choices and sexual preferences are already determined. Nature versus nurture? Hopelessly. Nature has too much of an advantage. We now know that parenting is a learned behavior: adoptive mothers are just as effective parenters as their own parents.

Embryo programming

Almost all of us are made of 46 chromosomes, which are like genetic building blocks or tracing paper. Twenty-three of them came from our mother and twenty-three from our father. If our mother's twenty-third chromosome is an X chromosome (having an X shape) and if our father's twenty-third chromosome is an X, the result is a child XX - a girl. If the father's twenty-third chromosome is Y, the child is an XY boy. The basic matrix of the human body and mind is female. We all start our lives as girls, which is why men have female features such as nipples and mammary glands.

Science has proven that Eve was the first

At 6–8 weeks after conception, the embryo is still asexual and can potentially develop both male and female reproductive organs. German scientist Dr. Gunter Dorner, a leading social science researcher, was one of the first to theorize that our sexual characteristics develop between six and eight weeks after conception. His research showed that the XY embryo, a genetic boy, develops special cells that send large amounts of male hormones, particularly testosterone, into the body. The hormone shapes the testicles and brain configuration to suit a man's behavior and characteristics, such as the vigilance and spatial awareness needed to accurately cast, hunt, and pursue prey.

Suppose that a boy embryo (XY) needed at least one unit of male hormones to form male reproductive organs and another three units of hormones to form the male operating system of the brain, but for reasons that we will discuss later, did not receive the required amounts of hormone. Suppose he received three units, but four are required. The first unit was used to form the genitals, but only two units were left to form the operating system of the brain, which means that the brain was two-thirds male and one-third female. As a result, a child is born who will become a man with a predominantly masculine mentality, but will also have some of the stereotypes and abilities of a woman. If a boy embryo receives, say, only two units, then one will be used to form the reproductive organs, and the brain will receive only one unit instead of the required three. We now have a child whose brain remains predominantly female in structure and thinking, but in a genetically male body. As he grows up, such a boy will most likely become homosexual. We will discuss how this happens in Chapter Eight.

When the embryo is a girl (XX), it receives little or no male hormones, and the embryo develops female genital organs, but the brain matrix remains female. Next, the brain is formed by female hormones and becomes programmed to protect the nest, including the emergence of centers for deciphering both verbal and other signals. When the child is born, he will look like a girl and his behavior will be feminine because the brain is programmed accordingly. But from time to time, usually due to accidents, a female embryo receives a significant dose of male hormones, as a result of which a girl is born with a more or less masculine mentality. How this happens we will discuss further.

It is believed that 80 to 85% of men have a predominantly masculine mentality, and 15 to 20% have a mind that is feminized to some degree. Many of the representatives of the latter group acquire the wrong sexual orientation.

Between 15 and 20% of men have feminized brains. About 10% of women have a masculine mentality.

Any reference to the female gender in this book refers to the approximately 90% of girls and women whose brains are programmed to behave predominantly as women. About 10% of women have brains that are more or less programmed for masculine behavior because they received an excess of male hormones in the womb at six to eight weeks of age.

Here's a simple but very good test that will show you to what extent your brain is wired to be masculine or feminine. The questions were compiled from a variety of studies examining the link between brain characteristics and sexuality, and the scoring system was developed by British geneticist Anne Moir. There are no right or wrong answers to this test, but it will give you an idea of ​​what determines your preferences in this life and what your mindset is. After answering the questions, you can calculate points using the method given on the page following the test. Make a photocopy of the test and offer it to those you live and work with. As a result, many people's eyes will be opened.

Test to determine the nature of thinking

The test is designed to determine the feminine or masculine principle in the mind of each person. There are no right or wrong answers - the result will simply indicate the likely level of male hormones your brain did or did not receive six to eight weeks after conception. This fact will be reflected in your preferences in your value system, style of behavior, orientation and choice of solution to the problem.

Circle the statement that you believe is correct in the vast majority of cases.

1. When you need to understand a simple or road map, you:

A. in difficulty and often ask for help;

b. turn it so that it coincides with the direction of your view on the ground;

V. you don't experience any difficulties.

2. You are preparing a complex gourmet dish for dinner, the radio is on and the phone is ringing. You:

A. continue preparing the dish, leaving the radio on and talking to your friend;

b. turn off the radio, continue cooking and talk;

V. say on the phone that you will call back as soon as the dish is ready.

3. Friends gather around you and ask you to tell them how to get to your new home. You:

A. draw a route map and send it to friends or ask someone to explain how to get there;

b. ask what notable places your friends know, and then try to explain how to get to you;

V. explain in words how to find your house: “Take the M3 to Newcastle, then turn around, then turn left and go to the second traffic light...”

4. When explaining a new idea or concept, you are likely to:

A. you will use pencil, paper and gestures;

b. explain in words, using gestures and facial expressions;

V. explain in words clearly and precisely.

5. When you find yourself at home after watching a wonderful movie, you tend to:

A. replay scenes from a movie in your mind;

b. talk about those scenes and what was said on screen;

V. mainly quote the words of on-screen characters.

6. In a cinema, do you prefer to sit:

A. on the right side;

b. you don't care;

V. From the left side.

7. A friend's mechanical problem has broken. You:

A. express sympathy and talk about how unpleasant it must be for him/her;

V. figure out how this thing works and try to fix it.

8. You are in an unfamiliar place and someone asks you where north is. You:

A. admit that you don’t know;

b. after thinking, you will guess where he is;

V. instantly point north.

9. You have found a place where you can park your car, but it is very cramped, and you need to drive there in reverse. You:

A. try to find another place;

b. Having carefully prepared, drive the car there;

V. Reverse your car easily and effortlessly.

10. You are watching TV and the phone rang. You:

A. answer without turning it off;

b. turn off the TV and then answer;

V. turn off the TV, ask those present to be silent and only then answer.

11. You have just listened to a new song performed by your favorite artist. Usually you:

A. you can sing a verse from this song, and it won’t be difficult for you;

b. you can sing something from this song if it is simple enough;

V. you will have a hard time remembering the tune of the song, but you will remember some of the tones.

12. You are the best predictor of the outcome:

A. intuitively;

b. making a decision based on available information and “gut feeling”;

V. making a decision based on facts, statistics and accurate data.

13. You put your keys in the wrong place. You:

A. do something until you remember where you put them;

b. get down to business, intensely remembering where they could have disappeared to;

V. mentally replay your path until you remember where you left them.

14. You are in a hotel and heard the distant howl of a siren. You:

A. you can immediately indicate where the sound is coming from;

b. you can point in the direction if you concentrate;

V. you will not be able to determine the direction in which the sound source is located.

15. You came to a reception and were introduced to six or seven new people. The next day you:

A. you can easily describe their faces;

b. remember just a few of these faces;

V. are more likely to remember their names.

16. You want to go on vacation to the village, and your partner wants to go to a resort. To convince him/her that your offer is better, you:

A. gently say how you feel: you love the village, and the children and family there are always so much fun;

b. say: if your partner goes to the village, then you will be grateful to him/her and next time you will definitely go to the resort;

V. take advantage of the facts: the village is closer, cheaper and good for sports and recreation.

17. When planning your day, you:

A. write a list of what needs to be done;

b. think about what needs to be done today;

V. picture in your mind the people you need to meet, the places you need to visit, and the things you need to do.

18. A friend has a personal problem and he/she came to you to discuss it. You:

A. sympathy itself, and understanding, and everything;

b. say that problems are never as serious as they seem, and explain why;

V. try to give rational advice on how to solve the problem.

19. Two of your friends from different marriages have started an affair and are secretly dating. How likely is it that you will understand what is happening:

A. You'll understand pretty quickly;

b. you will understand what is happening after a while;

V. You'll probably never guess.

20. What, exactly, is life, in your opinion?

A. have friends and live in harmony with others;

b. be friendly to others while maintaining personal independence;

V. achieve a worthy goal, earn the respect of others and achieve a prestigious position.

21. If you had a choice, would you prefer to work:

A. in a team where other people get along easily with others;

b. with others, but maintaining some space for yourself;

V. separately.

22. Of these books do you prefer:

A. novels and works of fiction;

b. magazines and newspapers;

V. documentary prose, biographies.

23. When you go shopping, you tend to:

A. buy, obeying a sudden impulse, in particular, extraordinary things;

b. plan purchases in advance, but do not consider this plan mandatory;

V. look at labels and compare prices.

24. Do you prefer to go to bed, get up and eat:

A. whenever you want;

b. according to a schedule, but not mandatory;

V. at the same time every day.

25. You started a new job and met a lot of new people. One of them calls you at home. You:

26. What worries you most when you argue with someone:

A. the silence of the interlocutor or his reaction that you do not understand;

b. his lack of understanding of your point of view;

V. his alarming or aggressive questions and comments.

27. At school, what was your attitude towards literacy tests and essays:

A. you dealt with it easily;

b. one was given to you, and the other was not;

V. neither one nor the other was possible.

28. When dancing you:

A. you can feel the music as soon as you learn to move correctly;

b. You can dance some dances, but others are not for you;

V. have difficulty following the rhythm.

29. How well can you recognize animal calls and imitate them:

A. not very good;

b. in moderation;

V. Very good.

30. At the end of a long day, do you prefer:

A. talk to friends or family about your day;

b. listen to others talk about their affairs;

How to calculate the result

First, add up the number of answers for categories “a”, “b” and “c” and use the following table to calculate the points scored.

For any questions that don't accurately reflect your life or are left unanswered, reward yourself with 5 points.

See previous heading.

Analysis of results

Most men have between 0 and 180 points, and most women have between 150 and 300. The predominantly male mindset usually earns itself less than 150 points. The closer to 0, the more masculine the mind, and the more likely high testosterone levels are. Such people have strong logic, analytical skills and eloquence. The closer they are to 0, the better they predict value, the more accurate conclusions they make based on statistical data and are almost completely free from the influence of emotions on conclusions. Points in the minus area indicate a purely masculine mentality. This means that in the early stages of embryonic development, a large amount of testosterone entered the fetus.

The lower the number of points a woman has, the higher the likelihood of showing lesbian tendencies. A purely female mind scores more than 180 points. The more, the more female in the brain program, the greater the likelihood of the manifestation of extraordinary creative, artistic, and musical abilities. Such people make decisions based on intuition, on internal, unmotivated feelings, and are good at identifying problems when there is a minimum of data. They are good at solving problems that require solutions based on creativity and intuition. The more points above 180 a man has, the greater the likelihood of homosexual tendencies.

Men with a score below 0 and women with a score above 180 have brains programmed so differently that the only thing they have in common is that they live on the same planet!

Transition region

The number of points in the range from 150 to 180 indicates a similar mindset for both sexes, figuratively speaking, when one foot is in one camp and the other is in the opposite camp. These people tend to exhibit neither masculine nor feminine patterns and tend to exhibit flexibility of thought, which can be a great asset in any problem-solving group. They are predisposed to friendships with both men and women.

Final word...

Since the early eighties, our knowledge of the brain has reached heights beyond our wildest expectations. President Bush declared the nineties the Decade of the Brain, and we are now approaching the Millennium of the Mind. In talking about the brain and its various functional areas, we have tried to simplify the science of neuroscience so as not to drown in purely medical terms, but tried to simplify it moderately, since the brain is a structure of neurons, similar to a web. Brain cells form complex complexes that make up the areas of the brain that we talked about.

You, the reader, do not need to become a neuroscientist, you just want to understand the essence of the functioning of the brain and, based on this understanding, develop a specific strategy for communicating with people of the opposite sex. It is easy to identify the area of ​​a man’s brain responsible for spatial orientation and develop a specific strategy for it. It is much more difficult to get a clue to the action of emotions in the brain, but even so, it is possible for you to develop a suitable strategy to take into account this action of emotions.

Chapter 4. Talking and listening

Barbara and Allan are going to a party. Barbara bought a new dress and wants to look her best. She holds two pairs of shoes in her hands: blue and gold. Then he asks Allan the question that all men dread: “Darling, what shoes should I wear with this dress?”

A chill ran down Allan's spine. He realized that trouble was brewing. “A-ah... hmmm... which ones do you like, my love,” he stutters. “Well, Allan,” she says impatiently, “which ones look better, the blue ones or the gold ones?” "Golden!" – he blurts out nervously. “What's wrong with the blue ones? she asks. -You never loved them! I paid a fortune for them, and you hate them, don’t you!”

Allan's shoulders slump. “If you don’t want to know my opinion, don’t ask!” - he answers. It seemed to him that they were asking him for help to solve a problem, and when the help was provided, he received no gratitude. However, Barbara simply exhibited a typically feminine characteristic: speaking in roundabout ways. She had already decided what shoes she would wear and did not need anyone's opinion on this matter: she needed confirmation that she looked good. In this chapter we will look at the problems that arise when men and women communicate and propose some new techniques for solving them.

Blue or Gold Shoes Strategy

If a woman asks “blue or gold?” when choosing shoes, it is important that the man does not answer this question. Instead, he should say: “And you have already chosen, dear, which pair you will wear!” With this approach, most women are lost, since men they know, as a rule, immediately declare their preferences. “Well... I was thinking maybe I should wear gold ones,” she will say hesitantly. “Why gold?” - he will ask. “Because I have gold jewelry and my dress is trimmed with gold thread,” she explains. A knowledgeable man will joyfully exclaim: “Shine! Great choice! You look amazing! It fits well! I love!". And you can bet that at night he will receive his reward in full.

Why men can't speak correctly

We have known for thousands of years that men are not very talkative, particularly compared to women. Not only do girls begin to speak earlier than boys, but a three-year-old girl has twice the vocabulary of a three-year-old boy and her speech is almost 100% intelligible. Doctors involved in speech pathology constantly deal with parents who bring boys with the same complaint: “He doesn’t know how to speak correctly.” If a boy has an older sister, this is especially noticeable, since older sisters and mothers tend to be responsible for their brother and son. Ask a five-year-old boy, “How are you!” and his mother or sister will immediately answer, “Thanks, he’s doing well.”

Mothers, daughters and older sisters often speak on behalf of the men in their family.

​Men do not have a special speech department. Speech is controlled by the left side of the brain, and there is no separate speech area. Studies of people with brain damage have shown that in most cases, speech disorders appeared after injuries to the posterior part of the left hemisphere in men and the front part of the left hemisphere in women. When a man speaks, magnetic resonance imaging scans show activity throughout the left hemisphere. But no special department of speech was found there. As a result, men do not speak very well.

The differences in how people express themselves are most evident in sports. Watch a sports program on television and notice how, for example, basketball players can accurately, consistently and clearly talk about the match that just ended. When trying to interview basketball players, not only can it be difficult to understand what they are talking about, but sometimes they cannot even open their mouths. Teenagers have the same picture. When we asked our teenage daughter to talk about a party she had gone to the night before, she gave a detailed account of everything that happened: who said what to whom, how they felt, and how everyone was dressed. In response to the same question, our teenage son mumbled: “Everything was fine.”

On Valentine's Day, flower girls advise men: “Express your love with flowers,” because they know that it is difficult for a man to do this with words.

It is not difficult for a man to buy a postcard, but what to write on it is what puzzles him.

Men often choose a card with long-winded text on it because it leaves less space for them to write.

Remember, in the process of evolution, a man had to get food, not communicate. When hunting, communication is limited to a series of facial signals, and hunters often silently watch their prey for hours. They don't talk to each other. When modern men go fishing, they can spend many hours together without saying a word. They have a great time in each other's company, but don't feel the need to express it in words. If women spend time together and do not talk to their heart's content, then this shows that something is wrong. The only case where men communicate through conversation is due to the disruption of the strict specialization of the male brain under the influence of a fair amount of alcohol.

Allan Pease, Barbara Pease

Language of relationships

Copyright © by Allan Pease, 1998

© Zvonarev M., translation into Russian, 2009

© Edition in Russian, design. Eksmo Publishing House LLC, 2013

Books by Allan Pease

"Charisma. The art of successful communication"

In their book, Allan and Barbara Pease formulated the basic rules of effective communication. They offer special verbal and non-verbal negotiation techniques, as well as simple and effective communication strategies that will help you quickly establish contact with any interlocutor.

"Body Language in Love"

The authors in their new book reveal the main secrets of communication between men and women. You will learn to be more attractive to members of the opposite sex, recognize who likes you, get dates, and build strong relationships with your significant other.

“Why men want sex and women want love”

The authors of the famous “Body Language” offer their assistance in solving the most pressing communication problems that arise between loved ones. And at the same time they answer the question: why do men and women perceive love differently?

"The Language of Relationships"

At the threshold of the third millennium, we are still as ignorant of gender relations as we were at the beginning of time, and so we continue to gain nuggets of knowledge from the battlefields of family battles. Allan and Barbara Pease will teach you how to retreat from the battlefield, and sometimes even avoid the fight itself. Practical tips that are easy to follow will help you not only establish warm and trusting relationships in your family, but will also make your life more harmonious and happier.

Introduction

On a sunny morning, Bob, Sue and their three daughters went for a Sunday walk in the car. Bob sat behind the wheel and Sue sat next to him, turning around every minute to join in the cheerful chatter of her daughters. They all talked at the same time, and about completely different things, and Bob drove the car amid an incessant din, devoid of any meaning to him. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore:

– Would you please shut up! - Bob barked.

The cabin suddenly became silent.

- Why? – Sue asked after a pause.

– Because I’m driving the car! – he said irritably.

The women looked at each other in bewilderment. “Driving a car?” – muttered one of them.

They couldn't figure out how their conversation related to driving, and Bob couldn't figure out why the women were talking all at once, sometimes about completely different things, and none of them seemed to be listening to the others.

Why don't they be silent for a while, giving him a chance to concentrate? Because of this bazaar, he had already missed the last turn on the highway.

The point is simple: men and women are different from each other. They are no worse, no better than each other - they are different. Scientists, anthropologists and sociobiologists have known this for a long time, but they also know that as soon as they openly proclaim such a thesis in a “politically moderate world”, they will immediately become outcasts. In modern society, there is a belief that the potential capabilities of men and women are the same, they are equally talented and can master any professional skill. And this conviction matured just at the moment when science - what an irony! – has collected enough evidence that men and women are sharply different from each other.

What does this situation threaten us with? Our society, as it turns out, rests on a rather shaky foundation. Only by recognizing our differences can we strengthen our collective strength to counterbalance our individual weaknesses. In this book we have attempted to take advantage of the great recent advances in the science of human evolution to show how to apply this knowledge to the practical aspects of relationships between men and women. The conclusions we have reached may seem controversial. In some cases they can be called alarming. At the same time, they allow us to gain a deeper understanding of the essence and explain the oddities that arise in the relationship between a man and a woman. It would be nice if Bob and Sue read this book before they set off.

Why was this book so difficult to write?

It took three years and a journey of 400,000 kilometers to create this book. Basis of research: documents, interviews and workshops conducted in Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Thailand, Hong Kong, Malaysia, England, Scotland, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Germany, Holland, Spain, Turkey, USA, South Africa, Botswana, Zimbabwe , Zambia, Namibia and Angola.

The most difficult thing was to get public and private organizations to express their opinions on the available facts. For example, less than one percent of women work as commercial airline pilots. Regarding this fact, many declared “No comment”, demanding, sometimes with threats, not to mention the name of their organization in this book. The female administrators were generally somewhat nicer, but immediately went on the defensive, believing that our research was anti-feminist, even though they had no idea what it was about. The opinion of some authoritative people, from corporate executives to university professors, was obtained only anonymously - a dimly lit room, closed doors - after numerous assurances: of course, a full guarantee, their names, the names of the relevant organizations will not be mentioned. Many had two opinions: “politically restrained” and their own with the warning “do not quote.”

You will see that while reading a book, sometimes you will want to argue with the authors, and sometimes you will come across amazing facts, but in any case they will interest you. Although the book is based on scientific research, it contains a wide range of material from ordinary everyday life, the opinions of ordinary people and episodes that range from the simply amusing to the purely humorous - it will be a fun read. The goal we set in creating this book is to help you, our reader, learn more about both yourself and people of the opposite sex, so that your relationships become more joyful, fulfilling and bring more satisfaction.

This book is dedicated to all the men and women who have had the experience of tearing their hair out at two in the morning, crying out to their partner, “Why don’t you understand me?” Mutual understanding disappears because men will not understand why a woman does not behave like a man, and a woman expects behavior from her partner that copies her own. This book will help you not only improve relationships with the opposite sex, but also understand yourself more deeply. As a result, you will come to a happier, healthier and more harmonious life.

Barbara and Allan Pease

Same species, but different worlds

The evolution of a unique creation

Men and women are different from each other. They are no worse, no better than each other - they are different. Almost the only thing they have in common is that they are individuals of the same species. They live in different worlds, different values ​​are a priority for them, and they act following different life rules. Everyone knows this, but very few, especially men, take the trouble to realize it. But that's the truth. Look at the evidence for yourself. About 50% of marriages in Western countries end in divorce, and it is very common for serious relationships to end prematurely. Men and women of every race, raised in every culture and environment, constantly challenge the opinions, behavior, attitudes and beliefs of their partners.